Word Vomit

I feel like I'm in a rut.
I want to go somewhere, but I feel stuck.
I want to create something, but I have no ideas.
I want to run but my feet won't work.
I want to change my life, but I don't know how.

I just feel...lost.
Blah.

I will think up a question ask my radio it. I will think of it, say it aloud and hit one of the presets on my car's radio. Why I do this I will never know. But I promise you that it almost ALWAYS gives me an answer. And if the answer isn't clear-cut I will spend the better portion of my day thinking and stewing over what it was that the universe was trying to tell me.

This morning on my way to work I did just that. I turned off my radio, and thought really hard. "What do I need to do to get where I wanna go?" I thought that over and over, concentrating on my question and hit preset #4. Smashmouth wanted to let me know that,
"I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change"
I find I have to usually interpret the lyrics a bit and figure out what they mean but I don't think it could be any clearer than, "I need to get myself away from this place" and "we could all use a little change." Don't you agree?
Well, now that I have my answer to my question I'm still....stuck. HOW do I get away? WHERE do I go? WHAT DO I DO!

There are sooo many things that I want to do with my life. To spill it all out like word vomit:
I want to have more children, at home.....5 or 6 more. I want to breastfeed my children for years. And babywear 'til THEY decide they don't like it. I want to foster, adopt and be a surrogate. I want to make a difference in a child's life...one that I didn't birth. I want to either homeschool my children or send them to a wonderful Waldorf school. I want them to get the education I was never lucky enough to receive. I want to create an art piece that leaves someone in awe...like the ones that I see online and save to my computer so I can look at them all the time. I want to be a well-known photographer. One who is recognized for their work. I want people to buy my prints. And I want to be a wife to a well deserving man. One who treats me with respect. And takes out the garbage without being told (or after being told, does it!) I want him to want to be home with me, not always off with his friends. I want him to be my best friend, my companion and my strength. At times like this where I feel helpless, I want him to help me. I want to be a stay at home mother. I want to live completely naturally. All organic, all natural. I want to cook all my meals from scratch and forget McDonald's existed. I want to cook better. I want to grow my own fruits and vegetables on my own little chunk of land, organically of course. I want to make all my own cleaning products. I want to only use natural, healthy soaps, lotions, and makeup. I want to have a house...one that I own...with beautifully painted walls, and an art studio/relaxation space for me to escape in. I want beautifully painted rooms for all my children, and murals, too. I want to be able to do what I want to better my home. I want more than a house, I want a santuary. Somewhere that is all my own and I know I can relax in. I want to be a midwife, and a doula. And a lactation consultant. I want to help other women realize that they CAN birth naturally without a hospital and doctors. I want them to feel empowered after their birth. I want to be apart of something just that wonderful. I want to enlighten people who are against breastfeeding and natural birthing. I want to change someone's mind. I want to raise some chickens, and use their eggs. I want some sheep to use their wool for needlefelting. I want a duck to remember my childhood. I want companions to tell my problems to. I can only hope to be seen as the "hippie mom". I want them to come to me when they need costume's made for the school's play. I want to do all sorts of crafty things with my children. I want to learn to sew, knit, crochet, needle felt....I want a store on Etsy where people know they can find neat things. I want to be recognized for the skills I know I have hidden inside.

I want be something better than what I am. I want to feel truly loved. I want to be truly needed. I want to be some special to someone. I want to fill my heart with love and know how to truly forgive someone. I want confidence.

I want to know how to do these things.




While I am at a loss as to how to accomplish these things I know that I have more than others. There is going to be someone somewhere who is wishing for something that I have. I take comfort in knowing that. Not in a materialistic "ha-ha I have what you want" sort of way, but a "I'm blessed to be given what I have and that I shouldn't take it for granted" sort of way.

I am blessed~
~To have the one daughter I do have. One who is healthy, smart, beautiful...simply amazing.
~To have the skills in art that I do have.
~To have a roof over my head at all.
~To have a job.
~To have a mother, father, stepfather, mother in law and father in law who do love me.
~To have a head to think with and to realize what it is that I want.
~To be able to make baby steps.
~To have a car
~To have friends that are with my through thick and thin-Coley, Kristin, Alex (in no particular order!!!)
~To be healthy.
~To have a wonderful pair of cats as my current companions.
~To have enough money to buy the things I need and some of the things I want.

...And I am blessed to have that nice bed I'm about to crawl into. I'm so happy I realized I deserved and was worthy of those Egyptian cotton sheets....ahhh pure luxury.

Goodnight, thank you for listening.

Love, Emily

"There is joy in work. There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something" Henry Ford