Poisonous Relationships

My dear friend Elle posted a blog about toxic relationships. No matter what her blogs are about, they always find some way to make you think. This blog was the perfect example. I have been thinking about her blog and what she said in it, "She says she'll be there, but never is, and never was. She says she understands, then holds it all against you on her mountain of superiority..."

It's my mother. My mother is my most toxic relationship.

I just don't know what to do.

I love my mother, more than I think she loves me. I understand and respect her. I honor and value her opinions and thoughts. I want to make her proud. She just doesn't get it. It's been months since she told me she thought I did something well. Why is that? Why doesn't she see the good in me? The uniqueness and talent? I never have the answers, nor do I have the strength to go seek my answers.

My father is also a toxic relationship. Just like my mother, I love him to pieces. I do not question his love like I do my mothers but I do question just about everything else. He is so quick to judge me. Why?? I'm fat. My photography sucks. My parenting sucks. Madelyn "looks weird" today. I don't call enough. My house isn't clean enough. Going organic is "pointless" and recycling is a hassle. Things I am passionate about he squashes. Why??? It just never ends! I feel so lifeless and drained after I see him. I leave feeling hopeless and like a failure. I'm sorry Dad, for not being what you want me to be. I never wanted to hurt you and let you down.

Motherhood, pregnancy, and childbirth are my reason to get out of bed in the morning. I spend 23.5 hours of my day thinking about those three things. It fills my cups, gives me the air I breathe. Why do they want to deny me the right to another child??? Is it my age? Am I a bad mom and just think I'm a great one? Is it money they are worried about? I just don't get it. Speaking purely of my mother, she doesn't pay our bills, and doesn't help me out with my child, she's not there to vent to, she's not there to bounce ideas off of. What did I do wrong in my life to make her treat me like this? I don't feel loved. I don't feel cherished the same way I cherish Madelyn. My mom just wasn't there for me...and never will be. While my father has been there for me, partly because I wanted him to be, partly because it was the law. He isn't a help now. He tries, but my days will go on without the things he does.

Why can't anyone ever just shut their damn mouth and say congradulations! Why do my parents have to think purely of the negative? While I would like to understand that it is just because they are concerned for my health, safety and general well-being, I often go back to the idea they just don't want me to be happy. Seriously.

I just don't get it.

When do I give up??? When do I stop living for them and live for ME??? Why can't I let go of this pain and move on??? I'm thankful for having parents that gave me a life, but why do they have to hurt me??? Why do they do these things???

Elle says, "there is no room for these people in your life.

LOVE is the ANSWER; and it starts with YOU.

Allow NO ONE IN who will TEAR YOU DOWN.

Live your purpose, leave toxic people behind, and LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY NO MORE.

You deserve THE BEST.

(And don't hit her...I hear jail really is bad, and I'm pretty certain that we're too delicate for that...).

Let love in; LEAVE TOXIC PEOPLE OUT.

Love YOURSELF ENOUGH to Love THEM from far, far, far away...

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE LOVE. And NOTHING less."

I believe her.

Love is the answer and I deserve love.

I deserve love and nothing less. I love myself enough to love them.

...The thing I'm struggling with is how to let go. How do I let go of knowing I "let my parents down"? I want another baby SO bad. I lose sleep and cry daily about this. I deserve another child. I want my next baby. How do I let go of all their negative comments. Why don't they measure my success the same way I measure my own. I think I am successful.

I am winning at this game of life!

I am so blessed.

I have a roof over my head to raise my children.

It is not a house, but do I NEED a house? The universe will allow me a house then the universe feels it is time. I trust this process.

I have a boyfriend to support me through it.

We may fight, we have our ups and downs but I love him senseless. We've been through a lot and I love him. LOVE IS THE ANSWER, remember???

I have am able to pay for the things I need.

I'm not rich, but we have what we need. Isn't it about the people in your life and the memories you make...not the things you own?? Money isn't everything and there is always a way.

I have talent.

I am a photographer, a crafter, an artist. I am gifted and lucky for those things.

I have a head on my mind and I use it to think.

Is it jealousy? Are they envious that I have what they wanted? Do they realize that I am strong enough to get what I want while still trusting the process??

I am beginning to grasp at straws....I think it's all the Halloween candy.

Does anyone have an encouraging words? Any advice? Insight?