Poisonous Relationships

My dear friend Elle posted a blog about toxic relationships. No matter what her blogs are about, they always find some way to make you think. This blog was the perfect example. I have been thinking about her blog and what she said in it, "She says she'll be there, but never is, and never was. She says she understands, then holds it all against you on her mountain of superiority..."

It's my mother. My mother is my most toxic relationship.

I just don't know what to do.

I love my mother, more than I think she loves me. I understand and respect her. I honor and value her opinions and thoughts. I want to make her proud. She just doesn't get it. It's been months since she told me she thought I did something well. Why is that? Why doesn't she see the good in me? The uniqueness and talent? I never have the answers, nor do I have the strength to go seek my answers.

My father is also a toxic relationship. Just like my mother, I love him to pieces. I do not question his love like I do my mothers but I do question just about everything else. He is so quick to judge me. Why?? I'm fat. My photography sucks. My parenting sucks. Madelyn "looks weird" today. I don't call enough. My house isn't clean enough. Going organic is "pointless" and recycling is a hassle. Things I am passionate about he squashes. Why??? It just never ends! I feel so lifeless and drained after I see him. I leave feeling hopeless and like a failure. I'm sorry Dad, for not being what you want me to be. I never wanted to hurt you and let you down.

Motherhood, pregnancy, and childbirth are my reason to get out of bed in the morning. I spend 23.5 hours of my day thinking about those three things. It fills my cups, gives me the air I breathe. Why do they want to deny me the right to another child??? Is it my age? Am I a bad mom and just think I'm a great one? Is it money they are worried about? I just don't get it. Speaking purely of my mother, she doesn't pay our bills, and doesn't help me out with my child, she's not there to vent to, she's not there to bounce ideas off of. What did I do wrong in my life to make her treat me like this? I don't feel loved. I don't feel cherished the same way I cherish Madelyn. My mom just wasn't there for me...and never will be. While my father has been there for me, partly because I wanted him to be, partly because it was the law. He isn't a help now. He tries, but my days will go on without the things he does.

Why can't anyone ever just shut their damn mouth and say congradulations! Why do my parents have to think purely of the negative? While I would like to understand that it is just because they are concerned for my health, safety and general well-being, I often go back to the idea they just don't want me to be happy. Seriously.

I just don't get it.

When do I give up??? When do I stop living for them and live for ME??? Why can't I let go of this pain and move on??? I'm thankful for having parents that gave me a life, but why do they have to hurt me??? Why do they do these things???

Elle says, "there is no room for these people in your life.

LOVE is the ANSWER; and it starts with YOU.

Allow NO ONE IN who will TEAR YOU DOWN.

Live your purpose, leave toxic people behind, and LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY NO MORE.

You deserve THE BEST.

(And don't hit her...I hear jail really is bad, and I'm pretty certain that we're too delicate for that...).

Let love in; LEAVE TOXIC PEOPLE OUT.

Love YOURSELF ENOUGH to Love THEM from far, far, far away...

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE LOVE. And NOTHING less."

I believe her.

Love is the answer and I deserve love.

I deserve love and nothing less. I love myself enough to love them.

...The thing I'm struggling with is how to let go. How do I let go of knowing I "let my parents down"? I want another baby SO bad. I lose sleep and cry daily about this. I deserve another child. I want my next baby. How do I let go of all their negative comments. Why don't they measure my success the same way I measure my own. I think I am successful.

I am winning at this game of life!

I am so blessed.

I have a roof over my head to raise my children.

It is not a house, but do I NEED a house? The universe will allow me a house then the universe feels it is time. I trust this process.

I have a boyfriend to support me through it.

We may fight, we have our ups and downs but I love him senseless. We've been through a lot and I love him. LOVE IS THE ANSWER, remember???

I have am able to pay for the things I need.

I'm not rich, but we have what we need. Isn't it about the people in your life and the memories you make...not the things you own?? Money isn't everything and there is always a way.

I have talent.

I am a photographer, a crafter, an artist. I am gifted and lucky for those things.

I have a head on my mind and I use it to think.

Is it jealousy? Are they envious that I have what they wanted? Do they realize that I am strong enough to get what I want while still trusting the process??

I am beginning to grasp at straws....I think it's all the Halloween candy.

Does anyone have an encouraging words? Any advice? Insight?

Amazing Birthing Videos

I loove this waterbirth of twins. The mother is in a clear tub and it very easy to see the babies being born. No worries about not bringing the baby up...he or she will not take their first breathe of air until their faces touches air. They are just so relaxed!!


This baby is born with its sac still intact. This is extremely rare!! How cool, eh??

The Glory of Birthing

So, while my future husband and wonderful daughter sleep in the other room, I'm doing (my) "crack". I'm watching birthing videos. I have NO idea why my heart, soul and mind feel it necessary (yes, it is seriously NECESSARY) for me to watch other amazing women birth their children. I can't and usually won't willingly watch a hospital or medicated birth...they are always either unassisted, in water, somewhere exotic, orgasmic, painless...or like one empowering one: ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!

Anyone close to me know just how passionate I am about childbirth and women's rights to happy birthing. I'm not going to lie, the birth of my daughter sucked. I blame many of my troubles on her birth. It was forced, medicated, rushed, stressed, and just WRONG. Had I been at home, I doubt I would have been so angry at Dan afterwards. Had I been at home, I doubt I would have waddled out of the hospital with 20+ stitches that STILL cause pain. Had I been at home, my daughter wouldn't have had heart decells because of the insanely high Pitocin. Had I been at home, I wouldn't have felt the need for an epidural. Had I been at home, I would have had more support from everyone. Had I been at home I would have been a breastfeeder. Had I been at home I would have bonded quicker with my child. All these things I feel were taken away from me by my hospital birth. My OB wasn't caring enough, the nurses had no compassion and Dan was so tense being in a hospital he slept through the entire thing. I wish I would have known that people CAN birth at home. I would have had my daughter in my home, and it would have been amazing. I know that. I wish someone who have pulled my arm and said, "Hey, girl, what the frick are you doing? Stop that pitocin, take out that epidural and MOVE AROUND!!" I remember laying in the bed, on my left side-the same position I had been in for probably close to 5 hours. I ran the nurses multiple times and no came. I yelled for Dan and he didn't stir. I threw everything I had within arms reach at him trying to get some support...nothing. I sat there in my self-pity and cried. I remember laying there thinking that I was somehow broken and that if I moved I would be whisked into surgery for my C-Section because Madelyn's heartrate would drop. I felt like I had done something wrong, I felt alone. I remember my mind telling me that my body wanted to be on my hands and knees birthing like they used to. I couldn't move. My body tried to tell me to just wiggle my hips, to sway back and forth. I'll never forget that moment.

I remember feeling so helpless when they told me I was complete. I was relieved it was over and was excited to meet my daughter but I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to be on the bed in the half-reclined, leg-in-stir ups position. I wanted to squat. I wanted to squat like I used to in my living room while I daydreamed of my perfect childbirth. But no, there I was being yelled to "INHALE! EXHALE! PUUUSH!!! 1-2-3-4..." and thinking to myself "I AMMMMMM pushing now get your fucking hands off my crotch and let me do this!!!!!" I remember bringing my focus to my pelvis and pushing...and the pressure moving all the way up my body and into my face. I wasn't at "10" yet but I let out my breath only to be given a look from the nurse that I had just failed the marathon. I exhaled, and that meant the race was over, I was the loser. It was that point I became pissed. I wanted the baby out NOW so everyone would stop yelling at me. I felt the tearing, I felt the pain but I pushed through it. I wanted the yelling to stop. I wanted everyone to stop touching me and to leave me alone. I wanted it to end. Looking back, I thought it was the actual birth I wanted to end but I know now it wasn't that it all. I wanted the doctors and nurses to end. I want to birth naturally but felt trapt. I hated it.

What hurt worse that the lonliness and mistreatment was the agony I felt after my daughter was born. She was thrown onto my belly like a rag doll. I put my hand against her back and couldn't believe she was mine. My first words were, "she's so tiny!" Nurses and pediatricians were rubbing my precious daughter with these scratchy towels. I just held her tighter to protect her against that. There was no need for that, she was breathing. And just as fast as they threw her on me, they ripped her from my arms. I laid there on the bed holding back tears for my poor "sick" baby. I felt miserable. I felt that I had failed as her...womb. I must have done something wrong! What did I do to make her early? All these things went through my head as I watched her being "beat-up" by the rough nurses and their scratchy towels. They shoved things in her mouth and gave her oxygen. My baby is fine, she just wants her mom! Why are you being so rough? Don't poke her with that! I couldn't believe that hospital protocol thinks that weighing a baby is more important than mother-child bonding. If she was stable enough to get weighed, poked, prodded, and jabbed, she was well enough for her mother to actually get to see what she freaking LOOKED like. They whisked her to the NICU while I sat in my room shaking and crying. I won't forget the moment when Dan sat in bed with me while I sobbed uncontrollably over the baby I hardly even got to touch. She was in my belly for 34 weeks...then just stolen from me. My epidural began to wear off and someone had the cruel joke to tell me I had to pee before I could go see my daughter. I tried to get up, not really having to go, hoping that I could go see her. My knees didn't work. I had to sit in bed and wait. I laid in the uncomfortable bed I was in for the last 19 or so hours watching nothing but the seconds tick past on the clock. My daughter needs me. My daughter needs me. My daughter needs me. It played in my head over, and over, and over as my heart broke and broke and broke. I ran the nurses again and said I wanted to try. My legs still didn't work. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, I just wanted to see my baby. Instead of compassion and understanding I was told that I MUST pee RIGHT NOW or they were going to put a catheter in. I don't remember hearing about womening DYING from holding in their pee??? They brought in a bed pan and I was treated like a freakin' jail inmate or dog at the vet. I peed in the pan, and was offered no toilet paper or my squirt bottle of water. Thank you bitch nurses for making me feel just so damn lucky to be under your TENDER LOVING CARE. I brought a wheelchair and was "allowed" to go see my daughter. There she was. Completely helpless in nothing but a diaper. I touched her hair, her toes, her belly. I touched the little bump that was where her rib cage meets in the middle. I wiped the bubbles from her mouth. I kissed her all over and just wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her so bad. I remember standing, in severe pain, with both arms under each side of my sick baby. I wanted to hold her so bad but heaven forbid she be warmed by her mother's flesh and not some artificial heat lamp. She's not a baby chicken for Pete's sake! For days I just felt so torn from my child. I was told my endless nurses that "she was too weak to nurse" and to "not even bother". Thanks guys, you really did a bang-up job of helping a new mom with breastfeeding. I pumped for about 2 months and gave up. I regret it to this day. My daughter will nuzzle against my chest and I wish it was because she was nursing. I'm so sorry, Madelyn, that I wasn't strong enough to try harder. I'll never forget that time that you DID nurse.

From my moment of realization, I have made a promise to my womb, my scarred birth canal, my future children and myself that I will NEVER birth a child in a hospital again. Do you hear me?!?!? I WILL NEVER ALLOW A BIRTH IN A HOSPITAL.I'm not thinking about the possibility of a premature baby. I will not allow it. I will not allow anyone to brainwash me into thinking I'm doing harm by not going to the hospital. I will not allow myself to think of the "risks" because I will NOT BIRTH IN A HOSPITAL. A happy and healthy birth is all I can get. That's it. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. I will have a HAPPY birth next time.
I will birth my babies on my hands and knees.
Or any other position I see fit.
I will sway my hips and move around.
No, you may NOT check my cervix for the third time in an hour.
No, you may NOT deny my human right to food and water.
Don't you dare think about breaking my water to "speed things along"!
No, you may not use forceps or a vacuum? Have you lost your marbles?!?!
No "DOCTOR" you may not catch my baby. I'll be taking care of that myself.
No you may not cut its cord...that's WRONG. Research the benefits of delayed cord cutting and you will be stunned.
No, you may not take my child away to weigh it and all that.
No, you may not scrub the vernix off my child with a sandpaper towel.
No may not touch THEIR placenta!
No I don't want Pitocin to get said placenta out.
No I won't allow you to put my baby in a blanket. They need skin to skin contact.
And yes, bitch-ass nurses I'm going to nurse my child until THEY wean.

I am capable and able to birth my children. I am capable and able to nurse my children. I am a women and that is what women do. I TRUST MY BODY.

How long are we, as women, going to allow the doctors to sit there and tell us that our bodies don't know how to birth our children? That our bodies can't get the "too big" kid out? That we NEED pain relief? That our bodies won't "go into labor"? We're being lied to. There's no "time limit" for labor. There's no reason to get your kid out in 2 pushes. There's no reason you can't eat. There's no reason you can't drink. This is just so freakin' wrong...

It's not okay to use Pitocin just because the doctor is anxious to get home.
It's not okay for them to insist on pain meds or for them to see that as the norm.
It's not okay for the C-Section rate to be as high as it is.

I wish I had known better.
I wish I would have not allowed them to do the things they did to me or my daughter. I hope more and more women realize, and feel empowered, that our bodies are MADE to give birth. You were born with everything you need in order to birth your babies. You can do it....without Pitocin, without being on your back, without hospitals, without doctors, without IV's, without epidurals, no vacuums, no this, no that.

"Birth Day" and "A Baby Story".....That is not how childbirth SHOULD be. Women are missing out. They are not dying. They are not sick. You are doing, by far, the most empowering and....amazing....thing in the world. It's a right of passage. You have just grown and nurtured a child for 9 months....you are now bringing that child into the world. Nothing in the world can compare. Women deserve to be able to lay in their own beds going, "Oh my god. I just...gave birth to a child." And to know deep down that they, on their own, did this. Women are amazing. Childbirth is amazing. No, each and every women is obviously not the first-or the last-women to birth a child......but that makes it no less of a miracle.

I'm done being lied to by the media and the medical society. I'm ready for a change and I will make one happen for myself, and my future.

My daughter is two and *almost* a half, and I still think about my birth with her. I think about what I would have done differnt, in what ways I was blessed and what I can do about it now. That, darling reader, is just a glimpse of why I cringe when I hear about a women birthing in a hospital and why I am so passionate about natural birth. I NEVER want another women to go through that again. While I cannot stop it all together, all alone, I can do my part to educate the women around me.

Pumpkin Day

Word Vomit

I feel like I'm in a rut.
I want to go somewhere, but I feel stuck.
I want to create something, but I have no ideas.
I want to run but my feet won't work.
I want to change my life, but I don't know how.

I just feel...lost.
Blah.

I will think up a question ask my radio it. I will think of it, say it aloud and hit one of the presets on my car's radio. Why I do this I will never know. But I promise you that it almost ALWAYS gives me an answer. And if the answer isn't clear-cut I will spend the better portion of my day thinking and stewing over what it was that the universe was trying to tell me.

This morning on my way to work I did just that. I turned off my radio, and thought really hard. "What do I need to do to get where I wanna go?" I thought that over and over, concentrating on my question and hit preset #4. Smashmouth wanted to let me know that,
"I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change"
I find I have to usually interpret the lyrics a bit and figure out what they mean but I don't think it could be any clearer than, "I need to get myself away from this place" and "we could all use a little change." Don't you agree?
Well, now that I have my answer to my question I'm still....stuck. HOW do I get away? WHERE do I go? WHAT DO I DO!

There are sooo many things that I want to do with my life. To spill it all out like word vomit:
I want to have more children, at home.....5 or 6 more. I want to breastfeed my children for years. And babywear 'til THEY decide they don't like it. I want to foster, adopt and be a surrogate. I want to make a difference in a child's life...one that I didn't birth. I want to either homeschool my children or send them to a wonderful Waldorf school. I want them to get the education I was never lucky enough to receive. I want to create an art piece that leaves someone in awe...like the ones that I see online and save to my computer so I can look at them all the time. I want to be a well-known photographer. One who is recognized for their work. I want people to buy my prints. And I want to be a wife to a well deserving man. One who treats me with respect. And takes out the garbage without being told (or after being told, does it!) I want him to want to be home with me, not always off with his friends. I want him to be my best friend, my companion and my strength. At times like this where I feel helpless, I want him to help me. I want to be a stay at home mother. I want to live completely naturally. All organic, all natural. I want to cook all my meals from scratch and forget McDonald's existed. I want to cook better. I want to grow my own fruits and vegetables on my own little chunk of land, organically of course. I want to make all my own cleaning products. I want to only use natural, healthy soaps, lotions, and makeup. I want to have a house...one that I own...with beautifully painted walls, and an art studio/relaxation space for me to escape in. I want beautifully painted rooms for all my children, and murals, too. I want to be able to do what I want to better my home. I want more than a house, I want a santuary. Somewhere that is all my own and I know I can relax in. I want to be a midwife, and a doula. And a lactation consultant. I want to help other women realize that they CAN birth naturally without a hospital and doctors. I want them to feel empowered after their birth. I want to be apart of something just that wonderful. I want to enlighten people who are against breastfeeding and natural birthing. I want to change someone's mind. I want to raise some chickens, and use their eggs. I want some sheep to use their wool for needlefelting. I want a duck to remember my childhood. I want companions to tell my problems to. I can only hope to be seen as the "hippie mom". I want them to come to me when they need costume's made for the school's play. I want to do all sorts of crafty things with my children. I want to learn to sew, knit, crochet, needle felt....I want a store on Etsy where people know they can find neat things. I want to be recognized for the skills I know I have hidden inside.

I want be something better than what I am. I want to feel truly loved. I want to be truly needed. I want to be some special to someone. I want to fill my heart with love and know how to truly forgive someone. I want confidence.

I want to know how to do these things.




While I am at a loss as to how to accomplish these things I know that I have more than others. There is going to be someone somewhere who is wishing for something that I have. I take comfort in knowing that. Not in a materialistic "ha-ha I have what you want" sort of way, but a "I'm blessed to be given what I have and that I shouldn't take it for granted" sort of way.

I am blessed~
~To have the one daughter I do have. One who is healthy, smart, beautiful...simply amazing.
~To have the skills in art that I do have.
~To have a roof over my head at all.
~To have a job.
~To have a mother, father, stepfather, mother in law and father in law who do love me.
~To have a head to think with and to realize what it is that I want.
~To be able to make baby steps.
~To have a car
~To have friends that are with my through thick and thin-Coley, Kristin, Alex (in no particular order!!!)
~To be healthy.
~To have a wonderful pair of cats as my current companions.
~To have enough money to buy the things I need and some of the things I want.

...And I am blessed to have that nice bed I'm about to crawl into. I'm so happy I realized I deserved and was worthy of those Egyptian cotton sheets....ahhh pure luxury.

Goodnight, thank you for listening.

Love, Emily

"There is joy in work. There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something" Henry Ford

Sunday Night Blessings

Blessings:
1- "Nanny McPhee"
This movie is SOOO freakin' adorable!! I love movies like this!! It's just silly fun! And Evangeline....she is just so peeerdy!

2- Good friends
This goes without saying. I may not have many friends, but there are a few who are with me through thick and thin.

3-Tractors
...in town.

...and the adorable old man driving it. He thought I was annoyed for having to drive slowly behind him. I waved and gave him a big smile to let him know I didn't mind a bit.

4- Kittens
My 2 adorable little kittens who nurse on my kitchen table and play in my laundry baskets. They claw at my toes and purr in my ear. I enjoy having them around and will miss them when they are gone.

5- Being a kid
..with Mac and Cheese for dinner. But being 'adult' enough to add some peas for extra vitamins. Hehehe.

Dreaming

Good morning everyone! I, unfortunately have to spend a wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon...at work. Yuck! Anyways, I decided I would spend these last few minutes before work writing down my wonderful dream.

I have no idea as to when it started, who the father was, or why I was where I was but I was hugely pregnant. Very, very pregnant. Suddenly I was in labor and giving birth. There really wasn't any time to react or think. It was a very wonderful moment. I gave birth (unassisted) to one beaaaautiful baby. No tears, no pain, no troubles. Then, after cleaning up that baby with a towel that magically appeared and beginning to nurse him/her, I felt pushing urges again and there was a second baby. Whoa. I clean him/her up and began to tandem nurse (what skill so soon after birth!?!?) The urge was back. At this moment, I set both babies down, and delivered their 3rd bro/sis. I somehow got into my head there were 4....Well, #3 was born, I went through the same routine. It was all very quick, it was all very painless. I don't even know how it works with multiples, but in my birth, they each had their own placenta, and all three came out after the last baby was born. Each baby was a Lotus baby (you don't cut/clamp the cords you just wrap the placenta in a diaper or cloth with some salt and herbs and you leave it to dry and the cord falls off on its own) and it was not once an inconvenience to do it that way. Then, after all that, I cleaned up my birthing mess-there wasn't much-and sat down and nursed; nursing came extrememly naturally and was very pleasant. Each baby was so beautiful. They all looked almost exact to my daughter when she was a newborn. It seemed so natural that there were 3 of them. Three incredibly beautiful babies with huge blue eyes! My mom and Dave(stepdad) were downstairs. At this point it became clear that I was at my dad's house. I lived there for 17 years before I moved out on my own, leaving him behind. Why my mom and Dave were there is beyond me. Anyways, there was no surprise with there being 3 babies, I was surprised, but everyone else seemed to know. My mom didn't say much, Dave didn't say a word.
Then I somehow got this wild hair up my butt and decided that I must show Kristin and everyone else at work. Why?? What the hell?!?! So, what did I do but put three little babies +placenta into my moby wrap and walk Kwik Trip. My goodness...I didn't get there because my alarm went off, but I was on the phone with Kristin and she was very, very excited.
All in all, it was a wooonderful dream. I absolutely looove dreams of pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood. Sometimes I have dreamed of my birth being chaotic and painful, other times my births are so easy the baby falls out while I'm standing. This one was pleasantly in the middle. There was discomfort and pressure, but not pain. It seemed like I could feel their heads being born without the "ring of fire" pain. There were no rips, tears or injuries of any kind. I felt fine afterwards. After my daughter, I wanted to know what "it" looked like "downthere" but there wasn't a mirror available-neither was a scale coincidentally! I never did get to see the "damage" until much later. This time, I looked to see if there were any tears. Why, I'm not sure. But, there was nothing. Everything looked fine and dandy. I was very surprised. It was all so strange.
It was a really nice dream to wake up to...the unassisted childbirth of three amazingly beautiful babies. I love that some people dream of safaris in Africa, being chased, or doing other strange things....I dream of childbirth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, midwifery, and attachment parenting as a whole. My passion??? I'd say so.

Three babies as beautiful as this little one:

From New Album 6/14/07 1:37 PM

From Untitled Album

I'm angry at the world.

I haven't written down my blessings for the last few days...sorry to anyone who wanted to read them. I've been feeling really bitter the last day or two. I've been trying soooo hard to keep my head up and to work on these problems with Dan. The damn streets goes both ways, you know. He needs to work at this to! How is he working on this all??? Let me count the ways: staying out late, not calling, getting in trouble without saying I'm sorry, or thank you when I help him out of it, not paying me back, and spending more time with his little man friends than us. Thanks, dude, you're really making it easy to be nice to you.

The sun doesn't shine out of my freakin' ass. I'm not always happy. I'm not always nice. I just feel like being a bitch. I don't have the patience to deal with other people's bullshit. I don't feel well. My neck hurts, my back aches. I have a headache that throbs and my feet hurt. I want to lay down in bed and not get up. But I simply can't. If I do that, I'll wake up to find that my toddler ran away or that she trashed my house.

I need a massage and a vacation. Think if I put it on my Christmas list it'll happen???????

♥

Someone told me that love is everywhere and that love is always the answer...
In my bitter self, I thought they had lost their marbles! How is love the answer? What lessons is love going to teach? Where is this love? I don't see it....

After careful thought and lots of meditations, I decided I was sick of acting like that and hurting everyone around me. I was sick of being unhappy and bitter. I opened my heart and mind. I forgave those who have hurt me. I made it a point to be nice. I made it a point to brush off my stresses. It worked.

I sleep better at night.
I'm happier.
I'm not always crabby, in fact I'm rarely crabby!
I get along with people better (especially Dan).
Madelyn has been acting 100x different, happier!
Dan and I have been super affectionate.
My friends want to talk.
Customers at work are nicer to me.
I have hope in the world.
My days go faster.
I have less stress.
And I see the love....everywhere!

Kristin and I went for a hike last night after she got home from work. Even though searching for the "love" wasn't my main focus (keeping Madelyn from falling into a spring and being sucked down to China was!!) I couldn't help but see it everywhere!!!


In the leaves...


In the way the water meets against the rocks...


The rocks themselves...


And leaves with big happy smiles!!! No, I didn't draw that on in Photoshop...that's the way it really was!!! I have it being pressed in some books riiiight now!!!
:-)

Have a wonderful day...find the love. It IS the answer!

Emily

Cupcakes and Cleaning

...that about sums up my day today!
I had an excruciaaaaaaaaatingly long day at work. Man, I felt like time was going backwards. That'll happen when it's painfully slow and you're...painfully sick. I managed, and went on with my day. I cleaned all the dishes Dan and I were in a standoff over....I was determined to cook dinner and if I wanted that, then the dishes had to be done ASAP! So I just shut my mouth and washed them. Then I made some *amazing* tuna pasta salad, cooked a yummy dinner and best of all: made my family some cupcakes. Mmmmm.....

Blessings? Why certainly!

1. Reliving your childhood...

...with a Triple Chocolate Cake (with added in chocolate chips) with Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip icing....and non-pariels. Don't forget the chocolate soy milk to wash it down! Oh...and they have to be in foil liners. Yes, they do make a difference, and no, I don't know why or how exactly.

2. Talking with old high school friends...

...I love seeing what everyone has been up to!! I talked with a girl I was friends with but drifted away from really quickly after we left Oconomowoc. It was nice to catch up! She's married now!

3. Happy men...

...who tell you, "I looove my baby's tuna salad!" Hehehe, thank you Sweetheart, you made me want to cook for you all the time!!

4. A clean kitchen...

...with even cleaner dishes. Sweet satisfaction. Instead of food crusted dishes, my counter is filled with icing covered chocolate cupcakes. Yum.

5. Madelyn went to sleep without a fuss.

She's even in her own bed (by her choice), not in our bed with Dan! Wow, a perfectly stressless end to a very pleasant evening.

My Cupcakes

You know you want some! Go ahead, make some!

What you need:
**1 box Betty Crocker "Triple Chocolate Fudge" cake mix, made according to the directions (on sale at Pick N Save for a buck!!)
**1 can Betty Crocker "Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip" frosting (on sale as well!)
**Handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips (Aldi's worked well for me!)
**Non-Pariels(...since Jimmy's are yucky!)
What to do:
**...Fill your 24 FOIL cups 2/3 the way full (mind you, foil cups don't need a muffin tin, just put them on a baking sheet-how easy is THAT?!?!?!) and sprinkle in some chocolate chips. I put around 8 in each cup. Push the chips into the batter with a knife. Bake around 19 minutes at 350*, until toothpick comes out with moist crumbs.
**Remove from over, let stand 5 minutes, remove onto cooling racks.
**Resist for an hour or so-I recommend taking a nice long shower to resist the temptation. **Schmear on some of that super chocolately icing...the more the better, in my opinion. But leave a bit of room to grab the paper.
**Sprinkle with sprinkles
***....indulge in one, or seven. Yum.

As for dinner...we had "Butter-Onion Chicken", chicken-y noodle stuff, and some steamed broccoli. I looove butter chicken!

(Quick instructions for )Butter Chicken-(for 4 med. B/S chicken breasts) Crush up 3/4 sleeve Ritz (HAS to be Ritz or Ritz off-brand) plus 1/2 cup, or so, French's french fried onions in a bag, plus your choice of seasonings(I use salt, pepper, "poulty seasoning", rosemary, "chicken seasoning", onion powder and garlic powder)....dip in egg, bread chicken and put in 9x13in. pan. Place chunks of butter (I know, I know, I can feel my arteries clogging and my cholesterol skyrocketing!) around the chicken pieces. Bake at 400* for 40 minutes. You the drill from there... It is always sooo tasty!

The noodles are just egg noodles cooked in a can of cream of chicken, some chicken stock and some water. I enjoy it, and it's simple. No, I don't have a recipe. I wing it every time. I do add pepper and rosemary to it, though. I hope you get a chance to try something from these recipes. I'll post more as I cook them. Enjoy!!!

And a quote:

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

- Allan K. Chalmers


She is my happiness: gives me things to do, gives me something to love, and she is my hope for the future. I looove you Madelyn!

Goodnight, guys!

Love, Emily
♥

Blessed Tuesdays

"To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance."

- Buddha

1. A healthy daughter.
Madelyn had her (3 month overdue) 2 year well-baby today. I'm pleased to report that she is in the 97th percentile for both height and weight-the highest percentile she has ever been in!! Yay for Madelyn!

2. Awesome head massages.
I went with Kristin to get a haircut. The lady who did my hair gave me a wonderful head massage during my shampoo...ahhh....and my haircut looks super cute, too!

3. Hot soup when you have a cold.
Hot "Progress Pot Roast" soup when you have a cold...mmmm

4. Having the day off of work.
I spent the morning doing just about....nothing. We went to Madelyn's doctor appointment, wandered through the local craft store, enjoyed a tasty lunch at a sub and ice cream shop-enjoying both a sub AND ice cream, and then followed that up with a lovely nap on the couch. The day ended with some grocery shopping, a hair cut and now this: my time of silence. All around it was pleasant...I love my days off!

5. Silly emails from people, like my mother.
This is what I was sent, in hopes of brightening my Monday morning. I did get a nice giggle out of it! Thanks, Mom!

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

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:-)

Love, Emily
♥

Ten Blessings

After today, I think I need to remind myself just how blessed I am. Today deserves ten blessings....not just five.

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.

Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)

1. I am blessed to know I made a difference in someone's life.
Thank you, Kristin, for your kind words: "Em.. I don't mean to stick you all the time.. lately I just feel like you and I connect on a different level.. not just co-worker, or photographer friend.. or neighbor.. but more like someone who understands and can show and feel true compassion towards the other... or maybe I'm just crazy." You do mean to stick it to me all the time because you know I will always be here, because I will. We do connect on a differenet level. And yes, you ARE crazy...but I love you more for it. You freak. "Blessings for the day: Emily.. my rock right now.. she is always there to lend a hand...open an ear...and share a pizza order... hehehe... ** hugs to you!!" I will always do my best to lend you a hand, my ear is always open and of course I'm there to share pizza...are you kidding me?? Yum. I ♥ you Kristin!!! :)

2.
Enough said.

3. Having enough confidence in the universe that tomorrow will be better

4. Being able to go into Walmart with my daughter, and buying her jelly beans and a
carton of gak...just because.

This was from the most amazing time in my life... I will never, ever forget the time I spent with Madelyn right after she was born. I was in shock. I would give any to go back to those first few days where it was just me and the newborn Madelyn. Simply amazing...

I love being a mother.

5. Buying a second can of gak for said daughter's father...and knowing he will enjoy it.
And we did...the three of us laid on the bed for an hour playing with this gunk. I love our bonding time...the time where it is Mother-Father-Child, no TV, no radio, no phone. No sound but our own conversation and our own laughter.

I love my family.

6. Having my own thoughts and my own mind to make up those thoughts. More importantly...I'm blessed to have the courage to share those, no matter who tries to knock me down. They are my thoughts. My ideas. My mind. My body. My life. My friends. And if you feel that they are not important enough or valid enough to think about, you're loss. I'm not sorry I shared them with you.

7. Mondays off of work!


8. My friends.
I know I can count on them. I don't have many, but I have enough to know that when I need somebody, someone will be there. And if no one is around? It's simply because it was time for me to be alone. I am confident in the process and I am confident in the solitude.

9. Love.
I felt loved today, from all directions. Dan the minute I woke up, Madelyn before I left, my coworkers, my customers, Kristin, my father, my mother, my stepfather, the people at Walmart....all around me was love. I've been told that "Love is the answer". I questioned it...but the more I look for the love, the more and more I see it. I see it all around me. I have hope in society and I have hope in myself.

10. Silence.
I'm surrounded in it at this very moment. I love this time. I know my love and my daughter are asleep just a short walk away. I can hear them take deep breaths. They are safe, and I am at peace. There is silence all around me and it is me...and this blog. I can hear myself think. I can sort those thoughts. I have been exceptionally happier since I have given myself this time. I need it, and I'm glad that I can appreciate it, and indulge in it without guilt. Silence is golden.

Love, Emily


P.S....I feel so happy about my life after writing this. So blessed, so lucky. You really should try this....it works.

(Write down 5, not 4, 3, 2, or 1...5 blessings everyday, no matter how crappy your life is. You have 5 automatically. You can see what you are writing, you have hands to type how you feel, you have ears to hear yourself type, you are blessed enough to have a computer or paper to write on, you are blessed to be able to appreciate your blessings for what they are worth.)
♥
Goodnight everyone, thank you for reading!

Crapday. Dammit.

Well, today was a melancholy crap-day. It rained, it was cold, it was slow at work, and people around me are hurting...



A best friend is going through crap, some other friends are going through crap...and people are giving me crap. Crap stinks. My day directly wasn't the worst, but I hate seeing others hurt, knowing I can't really help them.
I can't become male, I can't fix their problems, I can't make them realize that the gifts they are receiving should NEVER be just done away with...I can't heal all their pain, I can't make them feel magically better, I can't make others understand, but I surely can wish all of the above (except becoming male, you have got to be kidding me, I would never in a million years become male. Nope, never, ever!)
I never understand why some people do the things they do, however I still hope that whatever they choose, they find peace. Someone I know is going to do something that I consider to be unthinkable. How I can forget about it is beyond me, how they can just forget about it is even farther beyond me. I wish people would cherish what they have... Sometimes life deals you some shitty cards (maybe you should have protected your bases a bit better) but you need to make the best of it. There is always a solution, and the easy one isn't usually the best. Seriously.

♥♥♥

The other day a beautiful women came into Kwik Trip, she was incredibly patient allowing customers to skip her in line. She smiled at me numerous times...she was so pretty! The store cleared out and she approached the front counter handing us a piece of paper. I glanced over at the new kid who was helping her to see a car with a "have you seen me" on it. I thought that someone stole her car or something similar had happened. She very quietly asked me if we had somewhere she could hang it up. I smiled and said, "of course" and pointed to the bulletin board in the back of the store. She smiled, again, and said thank you...and was very sincere about that gratitude. She quickly left, leaving a stack of 4 flyers...for her missing family member. Haroon Kahn. Last seen wearing a polo shirt and slippers. $25,000 reward for finding him. Driving a fancy Mitsubishi....I still can picture his face, I still remember the car....
...the poor man was found murdered.
I feel so bad, so, so, bad for the beautiful women who was in the store. Her heartache must be profound. I wish her peace, and a smile. I hope someone who crosses her path smiles at her and does something to bring her some hope in the world. I really, really hope that the women who I exchanged a handful of smiles with is doing okay. Ugh.

♥♥♥

Well...I don't know. It's just one of those sorts of days. Blah...
I stood up to my mother at dinner over something I am passionate about. Dinnertime is NOT the place to discuss things like abortion, gay rights, lotus birthing, who should be president, or home birthing. I have learned that, as well as she, all by personal experience.
I think I have had just about enough of this blog.

Laa dee dah...

Today was another great day, just as I had hoped. Dan and I happily woke up together, I had a wonderful shift at work and the rest of the day was filled with fun! Dan had some issues while I was at work and I didn't feel my usual frustrations and anger about them...this whole new perspective is *gasp!* working!
Revisit this concept here.

♥I love it!♥

I left work 30 minutes early (tisk, tisk) to go to a craft fair with the wonderful Kristin. It was closing while we were just arriving but we still made the best. I was able to talk to a lady who spins her own yard to knit with. The yarn comes from her own sheep and that is pretty cool if you ask me!! I bought an AdOrAbLe hat from her, and walked away with some advice: "All men are jackass's" and she told us to ignore their crap and move on. Sound advice, I'd say. She was around 70-80 years old and was just...a joy...to talk to!! It looks like a strawberry and Madelyn realllly enjoys it! Not to mention, I have fallen in love with little things that are needle-felted. Have you ever seen anything that has been needlefelted??


Thanks to whoever made these adorable little creatures and had them on Google and Etsy! Wish I could link you back to them, but I don't know how to do that!

How adorable are those?!?! I fell in love with this sort of crafting the minute I saw it. I've been dying to try it and see if it is something that clicks with me! I talked to her about it and where I should get it. She gave me a wool-festival info sheet that is coming up! I hope I can go! How fun!

After a stop at another rummage and a local thrift store I went home to relax. Imagine that! I'm looking forward to cutting back my hours, for sure! Kristin and her genious brain decided that it was indeed time for some Pizza Hut. (Kristin lives across the hall...and I like her more than that wool lady!) Yum...their chicken alfredo is definetly something to indulge in...and indulge is just what I did!!

Dan is off with two friends visiting his brother. It took a lot of effort to let him go...I'm always SO anxious about what sort of trouble he will land in. But, I talked to him about it and after quite a few reassurances I let him go. He called at the time I asked him too...and I love him so much for it! I wish he would have been her to go to sleep with me, but I know he'll be home soon enough. Tomorrow he has off so we can spend some time together then.

I'm sooo sleepy today....how about some blessings:

1. My new perspective. It has just...it's made me a better person already. I'm so much happier and things don't bother me.

2. Craft festivals. I just love being surrounded by all that creativity. Just love it.

3. Great women...
...ladies who love wool, are willing to help me learn something, will give me info on her craft, and are not hesitant to tell you how it is with the male specie. She was pretty cool, I must admit. And Madelyn's strawberry hat, oh my, it's cuteness will bring me a lot of smiles and happiness. I'm a sucker for a cute hat on a small child. Why? I will never know. Here's a picture of Madelyn last year with a pumpkin hat on:



4. Great friends like Kristin.
We just...get each other...all of our quirks, obsessions, and passions. We understand each other on a level that is so...wonderful.



5. Pizza Hut.
...And not feeling guilty for not cooking a meal. Yum, that alfredo was just soooo yummy.

6. Foggy weather
I absolutely love foggy weather. I'm talking that thiiiick fog, so thick you can't see your own feet, type of fog. There is just a special smell in the air, a certain feel, your breath feels different and best of all, you feel alone. I feel like when there is fog outside I am alone. I am alone in my journey and it doesn't matter which way I go or how I go about it, all that matters is I reach my destination. I can trip, fall, sing, dance, skip, or run..no one will care because they are just trying to get through the fog to their destination. I love fog. I really, really do.

7. Dan...
...and the fact that even though I'm as hairy as Chewbacca, he will still sleep next to me, legs entwined in a passionate cuddle session. He hasn't said a word about my lack of leg-shaving and I love him for that very, very much.


Love, Emily
♥
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
– Dr. Seuss

(I shaved my legs tonight, by the way)

Happy Friday

Today was a great day.

It started out well, stayed well, and is going to end well. I am confident of that. I plan the same for tomorrow.

Today was an extra clumsy sort of day, but I appreciated and embraced it. I tripped on the mat at work, dropped things left and right, and threw a pack of cigarettes at Mr. Marlboro's head, sorry dude. I made a few customers laugh (like the poor women who witnessed one trip and the cig-flinging!) and had a nice conversation with a regular. Days like this are why I truly enjoy my job....at a gas station. (Or no, convenience store...sorrrrry.) I love my coworkers and customers. I enjoy having an angry customer come in and send them out the door happy, satisfied and with a smile on their face. It fills my cup, if you will.

I decided to take a look at my iGoogle and check out my daily fortune cookie.

"Your love life will be happy and harmonious."

I thoroughly enjoy how my iGoogle always has something positive to say, at just the right time. My love life was happy and harmonious today...and I plan to truely try and keep it that way. I think Dan and I struggle at times because of the lack of...a love life...I'm talking the true, deep, fill your cup with warm fuzzy love, love. I'm done with his deprivation, I'm done with the lack of snuggle time. I vote for daily kisses, hugs, massages, cuddling and lots of true love. It's more than just sex! Everyone needs more love making in their lives, through kisses, massages, cuddling, snuggling, hugging....simple touch. "Touch is one of the most essential elements of human development, a profound method of communication, a critical component of the health and growth... and a powerful healing force" Well, there you go. Time to heal.

How about some blessings:

1. Good sex
Enough said.



2. Employment
My great coworkers, my funny customers, the new people to chat with, the chance to make people happy...the whole darn thing!



3. My mother
She called me tonight and invited me over for a Sunday dinner. Chicken, mashed potatoes (real, homemade, amazingly delicious, creamy, smooth, whipped potato-y deliciousness....mmm), squash, and green beans. Thank you, Mom, for thinking of me and wanting to share your delicious cooking with me. My child and I will be over around 4.
(My mouth is watering already......)


4. Culver's
(It's a burger joint that is located in a few states here in America. While you can feel your arteries clog by just looking at it, I do still enjoy it on occasion.)
Today, my beautiful daughter and I decided to have a lazy-lunch day and stop there before I went to work. After finishing my burger that was topped with plenty of extras (bacon, lettuce, pickles, ketchup, and mayo), I had to take a few bites out of Madelyn's. Why my baby bird of a child always feels it's necessary for me to "test it out" I will never understand! It was simply delicious. How is it that her burger-with nothing but meat and cheese-was superior to my loaded, complicated burger?? Really, it was just soo tasty. It reminded me of a very easy concept: simplicity is best. It really, really is.



5. My radio
It has this special ability to answer my questions and make me feel better. It's a crazy thing, really, but I just looove it. Today on my way home from work, I turned it on while pondering my life, where I'm going, who I am, and what I'm becoming. "I swear it's true, Because a girl like you's impossible to find..." Ahh yes, thank you Mr. Radio for reminding me that I am me. I am my own special person with my own special talents. Thanks hun, for the reminder. Sometimes I forget.



Have a great weekend guys!


Love, Emily.

And so it Begins

Today I made the decision to start a blog. I need to write. I need to share. I need my own spot. Everyday, I am going to record my blessings. Everyday, I am going to recognize something beautiful. Just like the women who sparked this in me said, "But of course, it's all up to you.
It's Your NOW!" And she was right. This is MY now. This is MY life. And this is MY day. I am ME.


My blessings~
1. My child.
That kid is simply awesome, period. I've never felt so loved in my life since I birthed that amazing little creature. Tonight my beautiful 2 year old daughter brushed her mother's hair with such tender love, I'm thankful she is filled with as much love as she is. I am succeeding in motherhood.

2. My internet connection.
Sounds silly, but without it I wouldn't have the options I feel like it gives me. I wouldn't have come across the amazing people I have, read the empowering things I have, seen the beautiful and inspiring things I have and I think I'd struggle to find my "self" more without it. It fuels my creativity!

3. Photography.
My photographer's eye is more than just a talent. It is something I treasure. I'm so thankful the universe gave this gift to me. Like many other passionate photographers will tell you, something is just "different" with us. I witness myself seeing the beauty in something others don't recognize as anything out of the ordinary. I see things others don't. I love that.

4. PostSecret.
Nothing like being reminded you are not alone, you're not a freak, you are worthy of love, and you are special....with some art thrown in for good measure. Yup, I'm very thankful for PostSecret. Thank you Frank Warren.

5. Elle Febbo.
The one who gave me the courage and enough inspiration to start this journey. Thank you.