Word Vomit

I feel like I'm in a rut.
I want to go somewhere, but I feel stuck.
I want to create something, but I have no ideas.
I want to run but my feet won't work.
I want to change my life, but I don't know how.

I just feel...lost.
Blah.

I will think up a question ask my radio it. I will think of it, say it aloud and hit one of the presets on my car's radio. Why I do this I will never know. But I promise you that it almost ALWAYS gives me an answer. And if the answer isn't clear-cut I will spend the better portion of my day thinking and stewing over what it was that the universe was trying to tell me.

This morning on my way to work I did just that. I turned off my radio, and thought really hard. "What do I need to do to get where I wanna go?" I thought that over and over, concentrating on my question and hit preset #4. Smashmouth wanted to let me know that,
"I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change"
I find I have to usually interpret the lyrics a bit and figure out what they mean but I don't think it could be any clearer than, "I need to get myself away from this place" and "we could all use a little change." Don't you agree?
Well, now that I have my answer to my question I'm still....stuck. HOW do I get away? WHERE do I go? WHAT DO I DO!

There are sooo many things that I want to do with my life. To spill it all out like word vomit:
I want to have more children, at home.....5 or 6 more. I want to breastfeed my children for years. And babywear 'til THEY decide they don't like it. I want to foster, adopt and be a surrogate. I want to make a difference in a child's life...one that I didn't birth. I want to either homeschool my children or send them to a wonderful Waldorf school. I want them to get the education I was never lucky enough to receive. I want to create an art piece that leaves someone in awe...like the ones that I see online and save to my computer so I can look at them all the time. I want to be a well-known photographer. One who is recognized for their work. I want people to buy my prints. And I want to be a wife to a well deserving man. One who treats me with respect. And takes out the garbage without being told (or after being told, does it!) I want him to want to be home with me, not always off with his friends. I want him to be my best friend, my companion and my strength. At times like this where I feel helpless, I want him to help me. I want to be a stay at home mother. I want to live completely naturally. All organic, all natural. I want to cook all my meals from scratch and forget McDonald's existed. I want to cook better. I want to grow my own fruits and vegetables on my own little chunk of land, organically of course. I want to make all my own cleaning products. I want to only use natural, healthy soaps, lotions, and makeup. I want to have a house...one that I own...with beautifully painted walls, and an art studio/relaxation space for me to escape in. I want beautifully painted rooms for all my children, and murals, too. I want to be able to do what I want to better my home. I want more than a house, I want a santuary. Somewhere that is all my own and I know I can relax in. I want to be a midwife, and a doula. And a lactation consultant. I want to help other women realize that they CAN birth naturally without a hospital and doctors. I want them to feel empowered after their birth. I want to be apart of something just that wonderful. I want to enlighten people who are against breastfeeding and natural birthing. I want to change someone's mind. I want to raise some chickens, and use their eggs. I want some sheep to use their wool for needlefelting. I want a duck to remember my childhood. I want companions to tell my problems to. I can only hope to be seen as the "hippie mom". I want them to come to me when they need costume's made for the school's play. I want to do all sorts of crafty things with my children. I want to learn to sew, knit, crochet, needle felt....I want a store on Etsy where people know they can find neat things. I want to be recognized for the skills I know I have hidden inside.

I want be something better than what I am. I want to feel truly loved. I want to be truly needed. I want to be some special to someone. I want to fill my heart with love and know how to truly forgive someone. I want confidence.

I want to know how to do these things.




While I am at a loss as to how to accomplish these things I know that I have more than others. There is going to be someone somewhere who is wishing for something that I have. I take comfort in knowing that. Not in a materialistic "ha-ha I have what you want" sort of way, but a "I'm blessed to be given what I have and that I shouldn't take it for granted" sort of way.

I am blessed~
~To have the one daughter I do have. One who is healthy, smart, beautiful...simply amazing.
~To have the skills in art that I do have.
~To have a roof over my head at all.
~To have a job.
~To have a mother, father, stepfather, mother in law and father in law who do love me.
~To have a head to think with and to realize what it is that I want.
~To be able to make baby steps.
~To have a car
~To have friends that are with my through thick and thin-Coley, Kristin, Alex (in no particular order!!!)
~To be healthy.
~To have a wonderful pair of cats as my current companions.
~To have enough money to buy the things I need and some of the things I want.

...And I am blessed to have that nice bed I'm about to crawl into. I'm so happy I realized I deserved and was worthy of those Egyptian cotton sheets....ahhh pure luxury.

Goodnight, thank you for listening.

Love, Emily

"There is joy in work. There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something" Henry Ford

Dreaming

Good morning everyone! I, unfortunately have to spend a wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon...at work. Yuck! Anyways, I decided I would spend these last few minutes before work writing down my wonderful dream.

I have no idea as to when it started, who the father was, or why I was where I was but I was hugely pregnant. Very, very pregnant. Suddenly I was in labor and giving birth. There really wasn't any time to react or think. It was a very wonderful moment. I gave birth (unassisted) to one beaaaautiful baby. No tears, no pain, no troubles. Then, after cleaning up that baby with a towel that magically appeared and beginning to nurse him/her, I felt pushing urges again and there was a second baby. Whoa. I clean him/her up and began to tandem nurse (what skill so soon after birth!?!?) The urge was back. At this moment, I set both babies down, and delivered their 3rd bro/sis. I somehow got into my head there were 4....Well, #3 was born, I went through the same routine. It was all very quick, it was all very painless. I don't even know how it works with multiples, but in my birth, they each had their own placenta, and all three came out after the last baby was born. Each baby was a Lotus baby (you don't cut/clamp the cords you just wrap the placenta in a diaper or cloth with some salt and herbs and you leave it to dry and the cord falls off on its own) and it was not once an inconvenience to do it that way. Then, after all that, I cleaned up my birthing mess-there wasn't much-and sat down and nursed; nursing came extrememly naturally and was very pleasant. Each baby was so beautiful. They all looked almost exact to my daughter when she was a newborn. It seemed so natural that there were 3 of them. Three incredibly beautiful babies with huge blue eyes! My mom and Dave(stepdad) were downstairs. At this point it became clear that I was at my dad's house. I lived there for 17 years before I moved out on my own, leaving him behind. Why my mom and Dave were there is beyond me. Anyways, there was no surprise with there being 3 babies, I was surprised, but everyone else seemed to know. My mom didn't say much, Dave didn't say a word.
Then I somehow got this wild hair up my butt and decided that I must show Kristin and everyone else at work. Why?? What the hell?!?! So, what did I do but put three little babies +placenta into my moby wrap and walk Kwik Trip. My goodness...I didn't get there because my alarm went off, but I was on the phone with Kristin and she was very, very excited.
All in all, it was a wooonderful dream. I absolutely looove dreams of pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood. Sometimes I have dreamed of my birth being chaotic and painful, other times my births are so easy the baby falls out while I'm standing. This one was pleasantly in the middle. There was discomfort and pressure, but not pain. It seemed like I could feel their heads being born without the "ring of fire" pain. There were no rips, tears or injuries of any kind. I felt fine afterwards. After my daughter, I wanted to know what "it" looked like "downthere" but there wasn't a mirror available-neither was a scale coincidentally! I never did get to see the "damage" until much later. This time, I looked to see if there were any tears. Why, I'm not sure. But, there was nothing. Everything looked fine and dandy. I was very surprised. It was all so strange.
It was a really nice dream to wake up to...the unassisted childbirth of three amazingly beautiful babies. I love that some people dream of safaris in Africa, being chased, or doing other strange things....I dream of childbirth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, midwifery, and attachment parenting as a whole. My passion??? I'd say so.

Three babies as beautiful as this little one:

From New Album 6/14/07 1:37 PM

From Untitled Album