Raising Me

Processing Birth

2010-03-02T21:59:00.001-06:00

My little boy was born a little over a month ago...6 weeks premature, and it was of course the hospital birth I never, ever wanted to have with him. I've spent the last month waiting each day to feel emotionally ready to write my birth story, and the more time passes the more of an emotional wreck I become. I feel like my body failed me, and I feel like I need to come to terms with the fact I may never get my homebirth, as my body just says enough as soon as I hit 34 weeks and labor begins. My daughter was born at 34 weeks as well. I just don't know what to do to feel better about this. I keep talking to friends, my mom, other people just trying to process these emotions. I am very happy that nothing more serious happened, leading to a c-section or anything and I'm happy with myself for fighting my doctor every step of the way to protect Rowan. But, it's still hard to process it all.

I'm just so damn angry with everything.

I'm angry that my midwife didn't listen to my concerns of an early baby the first times I brought it up. I'm angry that the herbs I took when I'd contract, the giant cal-mag horse-pills I choked down each day, the ridiculous amounts of water I drank...everything she said to do, none of it worked. Nothing I did worked to slow my contractions or hold my child in. I'm angry with her for being so cold with me and not hearing my concerns when I called her that Sunday, nearly in tears as I knew in my heart I was losing it all. I'm angry at her for being so heartless when I was in labor at the hospital. I'm so angry that that women is what my first experience with a midwife was. Where was the version of her that everyone recommended with the highest regards??

I'm angry at the on-call doctor I was stuck with. I'm angry at her for every single dead-baby card she threw, her ridiculous and exaggerated threats of what would happen, for every single demeaning thing she said to me. I am so angry at that woman! I'm not even mad just for myself. At least I had the courage, strength and knowledge to fight for my child and to tell her no and know that what she was saying was a lie. What about the other women?? What about the other women who aren't like myself, the ones that she destroyed their perfect births? The ones who end up sectioned or worse, with the scar to remind them of their "failed" births. The birth of her client's baby is just one day out of her life, but the memory of that baby's birth will forever be in their mother's memories, for them to think back on, to process, to wonder what could have been different. Does this women not realize that she is shaping other people's futures? I am so angry! I can't even begin to process it. I want to write her a letter but the emotions about her are so raw it would be nothing but a screaming rant, certainly not the image I want to paint for her.

I'm angry at my body for going into labor early, angry at my uterus for not stopping the contractions, for not holding in my baby better. Why?!?! WHY does it do that? WHY can't I stop it? WHY WHY WHY?? My peaceful, calm, natural homebirth is what I've dreamt of for years...scooping my own child up, strait from my womb into my arms. Nursing my new baby, holding him, snuggling him, kissing him...laying in my own bed admiring the new life I had just brought into the world. I spent every single day dreaming of my homebirth, carefully planning, reading, gathering for it. And just like that, it was all gone.

I feel I need to come to terms with the fact I may never get that......My babies will probably always be early, spending their last hours in my womb with ultrasound waves pounding through them, with their mother starving....then born into panicked chaos. No nursing, no first moment snuggles. Nothing like the dream I have for my births.

Instead, both of my children have been flung from inside their mothers onto warming beds with lights so bright they can barely open their eyes. Tubes shoved down their throats, tubes into their noses, and needle pricks to the heels. Monitors all over, constant beeping. All before I even get to say, "Welcome to the world, I'm your mommy.' My son sat in his isolette crying for food, rooting for my breast that wasn't allowed to be there. When I was finally able to hold him he rooted and rooted and rooted, crying in sadness when I would have to adjust him just as he was getting close to my breast. It brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart everytime. I wanted nothing more then to run out the NICU doors with him in my arms, to hide away somewhere and nurse him and hold him close to me. I hated pumping in my room, crying for my son, alone, while my son was alone in his isolette, crying for me. I hated having to ask when he ate last, or how many dirty diapers he had. I hated not doing every second of care for my precious newborn. I hated having to ask a nurse if I could hold my own child, and being told I had a time limit. I hated having to put him back into his isolette when I started to fall asleep, only to then return to my room to stare at the ceiling because I couldn't fall asleep anymore, now that I was separated from him.

How do I come to terms that this may be what the first days of motherhood are like for me? How do I let go of my dreams?

Screw You Christmas

2008-12-19T00:36:00.001-06:00

Okay, while this is going to sound like I am angry at the world (and maybe I am) I don't know what else to do. I feel like I need to vent. Too many people keep asking me what I want for Christmas and while I appreciate the thought and all...

...I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sure I would scare you if I told you what I really want.

I want more love. More happiness. Just smile. I'm so freakin' sick and tired of people acting like their lives really suck just as much as the next person. Because they don't.

This little child's life sucks.

You have so much. APPRECIATE IT. Realize what you have and make the best of it. And if your life really does suck as much as some of you act-change it. Venting is one thing, whining is annoying.

I want people to take the extra 2 seconds to RECYCLE. If I have to pull one more recyclable out of the garbage-especially in MY home because some of you people are SO FUCKING LAZY I may just hit you with it. (Do you understand friends of Dan?!?!?!)

I want my daughter to go one day without pitching a fit, and for her to still be small enough to breastfeed, babywear, and co sleep. I want her to stay this little forever. I never want her to feel pain, see me fight with Dan, and to experience pure joy every day of her life. I want her to tell me, "I love you" every single minute of every day. I want the moment where we are laying in bed together, snuggled close to never end. I want her to put her hand on my cheek and tell me, "Momma, you so cute" just one more time. I never want her to question whether or not I love her with every fiber of my being. I never want to think she is anything but first on my list.

I want one day with Dan, and to be unimaginably happy all day with him. To have him not leave for Nick/Pat/WHOEVER THE FUCK HE GOES AND SEES, one fucking day. And for him to actually be happy he is with me. To act like this family is what he wants. I just want him to be happy...and for him to do housework without being asked 15 times.

I want someone to call my home phone NOT looking for Dan, NOT trying to sell me something, NOT looking for Cathrine Abooda.

I want one day at work where all my customers leave happy, my boss is happy and all us coworkers get along beautifully with no frustrations and grudges.

I want my house to clean itself one day. Just give me a break for one day. No overflowing garbage, clean dishes, no clutter, clean floors. Just a break, one day.

I want the hours in the day to be extended to 30. Seriously. There are never enough hours. I want more.

I want my Betta fish to look more healthy....and for them to feed themselves and clean their own containers. And for the cats to do the same.

I want a house for my family. I want them to have the beautiful homes I see in the Waldorf books and on the different blogs. The ones with vintage fabrics, handmade toys...lots of room to grow, learn, and change. To have a garden, compost pile, worm box, and room to stretch my legs. I want a swing. And a banging wall for my children.

I want to have the room to do the crafts my mind imagines. To have brightly painted walls, with murals. I want to give my 2 year old a paint brush and ask her to paint her wall. She deserves these things, I deserve these things.

I want some sheep. I'm not kidding. And with the sheep, I want a yarn spinning thingy majigger, a great supply of felting needles, foam hunks, dyes, knitting needles. And the 30 hours a day to do all this fiber art stuff.

About 3 more arms and a stretchy body to be in more places at once would be super, as well.

I want to spend the day with the friends I haven't seen in so long. I want to have the time and energy to call my best friends and talk for an hour every single night about our days. I miss my Wednesdays with Coley, and I want more time with Kristin. More time to take pictures just because we can. I want to spend the day at the Renn Faire with Alex like the other times, playing Mancala.

I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to homeschool my Mady and to spend my days playing dolls, dress up, kitchen and finger painting. I want to wake up to her smiling face everyday and know what we have the entire day ahead to play. Inside, outside, at the table, in the woods...anywhere because it's just us two and we have all the time we need. The time that she needs.

I want someone to just drop a baby (or kid of ANY age) off at my door and say they're all mine to love, cherish, educate and raise. I don't even care who they are or what they want or need. I just want more children to love and mother. I can't sleep at night I want more children so bad. Foster, adopt, fall from the sky, I don't care. I wish adoption wasn't about money. SO many kids without homes....and I can't even help them, I can't love them and give them a home. Even though I'm not alone, I feel like no other person on this earth has wanted to surround herself with children as much as I do right this minute.

I want someone close to me to NOT have a C-Section....instead, a homebirth, a completely natural birth. I want someone around me to NOT look at me like I just ate a worm when I mention Lotus birth. I want someone to get it. I feel like no one close to me gets it. Someone pleeease get it.

I want people to stop ignoring the fact that global warming does exist. I want people to do their part. This is my daughter's world-your children's world-that YOU are fucking up. Yes, YOU do make a difference. Each day it becomes more difficult to not say something when people ignorantly say, "yeah, like one bag or bottle makes a difference." Okay....we'll ALL just use 1 bag.........that's a lot of freakin' bags. Just stop already. It's not hard to "live green".

I want people to stop acting so stupid when I offer a solution as far as healthy products....don't mock me for my all natural cleaning products and soaps. YOU are the one putting something that has been proven more than one time to harm you on your largest organ. And NO, just because the FDA or whoever approves of it, doesn't mean it's safe. I do it because I care about you, not to be a bitch. And if it's about money....that's crap because 1 bottle of Dr. Bronner's soap is lasting me forever and Lush shampoo bars last for months. And vinegar and baking soda are DIRT CHEAP.

I want Prairie Hill Waldorf school to NOT be $7,000 a year so that I would have half-starve to send my kids there. I would never forgive myself to not respect them enough to send them to what I feel is by far the best possible place to grow and mature into an adult. So I wish they would just lower their price.

Scratch that last one, I want ALL SCHOOLS to become Waldorf schools. Period.

I want organic food to be the only food variety.

I want cigarettes and alcohol to GO AWAY. And for them to leave the lives of my loved ones.

I want everyone to believe in Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, elves, gnomes, and St. Nick because life is serious enough....can't we have SOME fun and SOME imagination in our lives???? And I don't want anyone to piss in my daughter's I-Believe-In-Santa-Cheerios. It's more than just pretend...it's faith.

I want my mother in law to stop shoving her Mormon-ism down my baby's throat. I'm Wiccan....knock it off. I'm glad my kid tells you, "Soon. Eat First." when you ask her to pray over her food. And on this topic, I want Dan to cleanse his body of the frustrations, regrets, angers, and angst he feels towards religion and let me raise my daughter as the Wiccan I want her to be.

I want people to stop killing people in the name of their religion and for the seperation between us all to go away. And I want the ridiculous misconceptions of Wicca to disappear. I'm SO tired of hiding my religion because I'm just too tired to fight back. I don't worship the devil, I don't have a wand or a broom. I don't fly, make "brews" or eat small children. And YES, I celebrate Christmas and Easter.

I want world peace.

End world hunger.

I want the war to stop.

And for people to be nice to each other. Smile. Remember, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

And I want gay marriage to be legal and for all you closed minded jackass's to step in dog poop. Marriage is about LOVE, not gender.

I want my parents to get along, and to forgive them for the pain I went through during THEIR divorce. I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce...and I was the one who suffered the most. I want my heart to repair itself so I can stop thinking about it.

I want to rewind time and hug my dog one more time before he died. Or, better yet, I want him to live forever.

I want the people in my live to just forgive me already for becoming a mom so young. This was my destiny...sorry I fucked up YOUR life so much. I still don't get it.

I don't want to be so flippin' tired everyday. Or to be able to nap.

And lastly, I want that bullshit bill about toys and lead to go away. I want to sell my felted things to families so their children can love them as much as mine does. ...And there is NO LEAD in them, thank you very much. (Because remember, I'm going to have my own sheep and I will ensure they aren't lead sheep. I promise.)

There you go. THAT'S what I want for Christmas.

Better get shopping.

MY kind of holiday poem

2008-12-17T20:11:00.000-06:00

Twas the Night Before Solstice
By Kristie Burns
http://www.thedreamangels.com/
http://www.earthschooling.com/

'Twas the night before Solstice
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even our pet mouse

Knitted wool stockings
were hung with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there

The children were tucked
in organic cotton sheets,
The air filter blocking
pollution from the streets.

While mama stayed up
to make handmade gifts
I co-slept with the kids
and watched auras shift.

When out in the herb garden
arose such a clatter
I sprung out of our futon
to see what was the matter!

Away to the solar panels
I flew like a flash.
They took me hours to install,
I hoped they hadn't crashed.

The crystals we'd laid out
to absorb the moonlight
Sparkled like fairydust
and blocked my sight.

When, what to my
wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh
without any reindeer.

At that moment I knew
that the little old man
Had received my last letter
so bold and so grand

Could you stop using reindeer?
Last year I wrote him,
And enclosed
with the note a PETA pin.

As he neared the house
in his all-wooden sleigh
I noticed it was powered
by wheatgrass and hay.

Ostheimer! Kinderkram!
Stockmar! Fair Trade!
Don't bother landing
if the toys aren't handmade!

"Hey Arriana," I called
to my wife with chagrin,"
With that body mass
do you think he's vegetarian?"

She paused only a moment
from her crafting and said,
"One moment dear!
I'm shaping this gol-darn Waldorf doll's head!"

On our roof I strained
to hear the ole boy
But I'd recently
insulated it with soy.

So I drew in my hand
and was turning around,
When in through the front door
came St. Nick with a bound.

The Advent wreath
had caught in his hair
As I said, "Why in the world
did you enter from THERE?"

The soot in your chimney
contains poisons galore.
You should consider
the environment more.

But he was dressed in fur
from his head to his foot
So I said, "Look whose
talking about my soot!"

A bundle of felt he had
flung on his back.
"I hope you like handiwork,"
he said with a laugh.

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples were treats!
His cheeks reminded me
of when I dye silk with beets.

He must be of the
choleric type I mused.
It's a good thing with
lavender the stockings I infused.

With his fur boots
he slipped on the bamboo wood floor.
I offered him Arnica and
then closed the front door.

After all that I'd paid
to the energy company this year
I didn't want one bit of
that cold air in here.

He had a broad face
and a little round belly
I asked him,
"Have you seen your naturopath lately?"

He was so chubby and plump
I worried for his health
But I laughed when I saw him
in spite of myself.

He spoke not a word,
but went straight to task,
Needle-felting dragons
and weaving a mask.

He knitted a pure cotton sweater
and two pairs of mittens,
Then picked up a knife
and carved 2 wood kittens.

He finger-knitted
an entire nativity scene.
With the most amazing skill
I'd ever seen!

When he sprang
from his seat on the floor and arose
I yelled, "Arianna - watch -
there he goes!"

With the unfinished doll
she was struggling to sew,
Arriana went to watch
him out the window.

And I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight!"
Arriana, my dear,
the stiches are too tight!"

200 Questions

2008-11-30T17:15:00.002-06:00

200. My middle name is: Mom

199. I was born on: December 22nd, 1988

198. I am a: passionate person.

197. My cell phone company: is from hell.

196. My eye color is: greenish blue.

195. My shoe size is: nine and a half.

194. My ring size is: eight and a half or nine.

193. My height is: 5'7.

192. I am allergic to: sulpha medicines, mangoes and shellfish.

191. I was born in: Waukesha, Wisconsin.

190. I live in: Hartland, Wisconsin.

189. The last book I read: The Creative Family.

187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: they like food.

186. I am glad I'm my sex because: i get to have babies and breastfeed.

179. My favorite Holiday is: Halloween.

177. The last three Cd's I bought are: I bought the Jason Mraz CD for a friend...otherwise I don't recall the last one.

176. Last song that made me cry was: can't remember

172. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): my crafty paraphernalia, my camera, my art books, my photographs, my mementos from my past.

170. What did you do last night: I went to my father's.

167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): tan.

:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::

143. Santa? Certainly. To an extent.

142. Love at first sight? No.

141. Luck? Yes.

14. Fate? For syre.

139. God? No.

138. Aliens? Yes.

137. Heaven? No.

136. Hell? No.

135. Ghosts? Yes.

134. Horoscopes? No.

135. Soulmates? To an extent.

:::::Which is Better?:::::

129. Hugs or Kisses? Lovingly full embracing hugs.

128. Drunk or High? Neither.

126. Red heads or Black hair: Black hair.

125. Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes.

124. Hot or cold: Warm and sunny.

123. Summer or winter: Summer.

122. Coffee or tea: Coffee

121. Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate for sure

120. Night or Day: Day....even though I am a night owl.

119. Oranges or Apples: Honeycrisp apples

118. Curly or Straight hair: Curly. especially on boys.

:::::Here's What I Think About:::::

116. Abortion: 100% against.

115. Backstabbers: always get stabbed.

114. Parents: we're all trying...

110. School: should follow Waldorf and Montessori ideas.

::::Last time I:::

103. Kissed someone: Today.

102. Last time I hugged someone: Today.

101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: last week.

90. Who's the ditziest person I know: not sure.

89. Who makes you laugh the most: Madelyn.

87. One thing I'm mad about right now is: jealousy over other people's talents.

83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: I Can't Remember.

82. The thing I don't understand is: people who are opposed to gay marriage and why people don't support my natural lifestyle.

80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received is: no.

79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is: they are much less dramatic than we are, in general.

76. This summer I am: trying to focus on my art and becoming a Waldorfy mother.

75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Something I miss about living at home is, the lack of bills.

74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: everything.

73. Tomorrow: attempt to leave my apartment...in 10 inches of unplowed snow.

72. Today: I went to breakfast, to Michaels and did laundry.

70. Next Week: will be just like this week.

69. next Summer: perhaps getting pregnant again.

67. People call me: emily, em, mom

62. The person/people who know[s] the most about me is/are: Dan, Kristin, Coley, Alex

61. The person that can read me the best is: Kristin, Alex, Coley, Dan

60. The most difficult thing to do is: put down a craft.

53. The one person who can't hide things from me: Kristin, Coley.

51. Right now I am talking to: no one.

48. I have/will get a job at: a gas station.

47. I have these pets: 2 bettas and 2 cats. As well as a two year old and a 21 year old.

45. The worst sound in the world: an animal licking itself.

44. The person that makes me cry the most: myself.

39. My boy/girlfriend: is named Daniel.

35. Florida or hawaii: Hawaii.

33. My favorite piece of clothing is: still sitting at a merchants as all my clothes are liked the same.

32. My favorite sport is: capture the flag.

31. Last time I cried: a week ago, maybe.

28. The school I go to is: none existant.

27. Last person I got mad at: the neighbor.

26. My worst drinking experience: has yet to happen.

22. The all-time best movie is: The Illusionist

21. The all-time best thing in the world is: snuggling with my baby.

19. The most annoying thing ever is: when I run out of wool.

18. The most annoying person you know is: a coworker.

17. I lose all respect for people who: abort fetus's.

16. The movies I have cried at are: Moulin Rouge and The Notebook.

15. Closest friends Names: you know who you are.

14. TV show you watch: One Tree Hill, birthing shows, cooking shows, crafting shows, and Jon and Kate Plus 8. Oh, and 17 Kids and Counting, lol.

13. Favorite web site: craftster.org/facebook/MySpace/cafemom/Flikr

12. I want to be: a great wife and mother.

11. The worst pain I was ever in was: when I wasn't able to hold my daughter after her birth.

10. My favorite phrase: ?

9. My room has: too much stuff.

8. My favorite celebrity is: non existant.

5. My weakness is: my exhaustion

3. Who broke your heart: many people throughout my life.

2. I filled out 200 questions because: i was intrigued.

1. What do you regret most: Madelyn's hospital birth.

Strawberry Shortcake Cookies

2008-11-18T17:03:00.002-06:00

Oh my goodness....these are DELICIOUS!!! Kristin made them and brought one over to me and I couldn't understand a cookie with fresh fruit in it. I ate it...and it was then lovingly renamed the "Orgasm Cookie". You have to try these!! You won't be disappointed, I promise. And if you are, feel free to ship them to me, I happily consume them for you.

Strawberry Shortcake Cookies
"Orgasm Cookies"

1 c. butter, softened 1 1/2 c. powdered sugar 1 egg 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract 1/2 tsp. almond extract. 2 1/2-3 c. flour 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. cream of tartar 12-15 whole frozen strawberries 1/2 bag white choc. chips

Preheat oven to 375*

Mix together butter, powdered sugar, egg, and the extracts. Blend in flour, soda, and cream of tartar.

Cut up strawberries into small dices. Stir in chips and berries.
Roll spoonfuls of batter into balls (or use a neat little cookie scooper like Kristin) and place onto lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake 6-8 minutes or until edges slightly brown and lift from sheet. Let sit on sheet for 3 minutes. Transfer to cooling rack. Once completely cooled dust tops with powdered sugar.

Chicken Spinach Bake

2008-11-18T16:41:00.003-06:00

Well, I have definitely done my share of cooking around here lately! It's been so fun trying out new recipes and having the satisfaction of a home-cooked meal. How about some Chicken Spinach Bake?? My family loved it! I was leary of the spinach, thinking it would be "spinachy" but it wasn't at all! It was very tasty and hearty. This recipe was adapted from here.

Chicken Spinach Bake

8 ounces uncooked rigatoni (1/2 the box)
Olive oil
1/2 an onion, chopped finely (more or less depending on how much you like onions)
1 10-ounce package frozen, chopped spinach, thawed
2-3 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 14.5-ounce can Italian-style diced tomatoes (Oh my! Just now I just realized we completely forgot to add this!! Haha!!!)
1 8-ounce container chive and onion cream cheese (I suggest leaving it out on the counter for an hour or two to soften)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2-2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese

Preheat oven to 375*

Prepare rigatoni according to package directions.

Meanwhile, cut chicken up into small, bite-sized pieces and cook (in a bit of olive oil) just until all sides are white. Set aside.

In the same pan, add more oil and sweat the onions until they soften and become translucent. Set aside.

Drain chopped spinach well, pressing between paper towels or squeezing with your hands.

Stir rigatoni, spinach, chicken, diced tomatoes, cream cheese, salt and peppertogether. Spoon mixture into baking dish, pressing down and sprinkle evenly with shredded mozzarella cheese.

Bake, covered, at 375* for 25 minutes. Uncover and bake 10 minutes more or until bubbly.

Serves 4 to 6.

I took the advice of the original author and served this with a green salad and some garlic bread.

Yum, it was sooo delicious!

Copy Cat

2008-11-16T21:50:00.003-06:00

I saw this on another women's blog and I thought it could be interesting...

I am: a mother, companion, artist, photographer, & crafter.

I think: too long and hard about things like childbirth and child rearing.

I know: how to make delicious breakfast casserole and chocolate chip cookies.

I want: to have another baby and a quaint wedding.

I have: so many things to be happy and feel blessed about.

I wish: my daughter would stop growing up.

I hate: when people don't understand natural living, especially natural childbirth.

I miss: babywearing.

I fear: never having another baby.

I feel: loved.

I hear: football.

I smell: the cinnamon in my shampoo.

I crave: lovin'.

I search: for good deals, crafting ideas, and recipes.

I wonder: when I'll get pregnant or married.

I regret: not having a natural childbirth and not breastfeeding. Read more.

I love: Madelyn, Daniel, my friends, my photography, my art, my crafts...and my kitchen. The internet, too.

I ache: in my belly.

I care about: natural living, natural childbirth, my family, my friends, my art.

I always: get backaches.

I am not: fake.

I believe: that love is always the answer and that you need to trust the process.

I dance: with my daughter around our house to songs like this.

I sing: really bad.

I don't always: exhibit patience.

I fight: when you disrespect me or are ignorant or hurt someone else.

I write: daily.

I win: at this game of life. Remember??

I lose: my clothes.

I never: want to live with regrets.

I confuse: people because I talk so much.

I listen: to everything.

I can usually be found: riiiight here.

I am scared: of snakes, deer, and people dying.

I need: my family, my friends, my art.

I am happy about: sooo many things.

Songs I love

2008-11-13T10:39:00.003-06:00

Lyrics-

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

This isn't the actual video...can't find it...but here is one "version" I like anyways:

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between needs a retention

I see you right in front of me as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry anymore
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection

I see it right in front of me
A vision in my head
And I know this is as real as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

You make no sound but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends
Like the sea
Like you for me

And it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

My Idea Of Heaven


I never thought I'd get here
I was so far away
I didn't believe in love
Thought it was just a game people play
Everything changed when I met you
I touched your hand
You took my heart
And you led me to a better place
Just the two of us in the dark

This is my idea of Heaven lying here with you
This is my idea of Heaven nothing else I'd rather do

I never thought you'd get here
Why'd you make me wait?
But when I looked into your eyes
I recognized you were my fate
I'd been living in a lonely shell
With no windows to the world
How in God's name did you find
the lone star's loneliest girl?

This is my idea of Heaven lying here with you
This is my idea of Heaven nothing else I'd rather do
To feel you heart beating
To feel our lips meeting
This is my idea of Heaven ooooo

In Heaven love is everywhere
There is no pain there are no tears
In Heaven love lasts forever
It doesn't disappear

This is my idea of Heaven lying here with you
This is my idea of Heaven nothing else I'd rather do
To feel you heart beating
To feel our lips meeting
This is my idea of Heaven ooooo

This is my idea of Heaven lying here with you

Cat Food Peppers

2008-11-12T18:53:00.003-06:00

Note to self: Don't cook "stuffed green peppers" in the crock pot.

Ugghh...my belly aches.

I made 3 stuffed peppers last night and threw them into the crock in the fridge. I popped them in the warmer part this morning. I thought I was reaaaal slick prepping dinner like that since I had to work until 5 today.

*Gag*

The peppers are COMPLETE mush, bitter, and the meat...oh goodness. I feel like I just ate cat food. And the most bizarre thing?? It's all sticking to my teeth like cheap gum!! What in the world!!!

So...note to self...and to everyone else. Cook them in the oven. Or brown the meat first.

Yikes. This is one dinner that DEF. should have turned itself into take-out.

Cooking

2008-11-11T16:49:00.003-06:00

I have been baking almost all day...

I have made the most amazing chocolate chip cookies I've ever had, pumpkin bread, and banana bread. I'm not really sure why...the cookies were worth it but I don't feel like eating the rest.

I'm such a dork.

Kristin was baking across the hall, too. We bake "together" but not really together; it's fun. She's like me and has a super-stocked kitchen (Seriously, we may be considered "hoarders" by the government!!)...however she has something I don't have much of: spices! Well, when it came to the part of my pumpkin bread recipe where I add in a teaspoon of this spice, and a teaspoon of that spice, there I stood in front of my spice cupboard on my tippy-toes wondering what the heck I was going to do. I stood with a giant jar of ground cinnamon in one hand, allspice and pumpkin pie spice in the other. I pondered. And then grabbed my 1/2 teaspoon and 1/4 teaspoon and walked the 5 feet to Kristin's. I knew she'd be there for me, as always. She "borrowed" me the necessary nutmeg and clove and I went back the 5 feet to my apartment. I turned the knob. Locked. Balancing two measuring spoons full of spices in one hand, I tried to "coach" my mischievous little daughter through unlocking the door she had just locked. Needless to say, she did figure it out and let me in. Sheeesh....I think I'll be giving Kristin a spare key. I know I'll need it again.

In other news, I started my "Project 365" yesterday and well...I'm out of ideas. What the heck?? I took two photos this morning, both of which I like but they don't have the feel I'd like and don't describe the day I've had. We'll see...

Anyhoo....Would you like to make amazing chocolate chip cookies, too?? Here is the recipe:

Ingredients~

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Directions~

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
Grease cookie sheets or line with parchment paper.
Sift together the flour, baking soda and salt; set aside.
In a medium bowl, cream together the melted butter, brown sugar and white sugar until well blended.
Beat in the vanilla, egg, and egg yolk until light and creamy.
Mix in the sifted ingredients until just blended.
Stir in the chocolate chips by hand using a wooden spoon.
Drop cookie dough 1/4 cup at a time onto the prepared cookie sheets.
Cookies should be about 3 inches apart.
Bake for 15 to 17 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the edges are lightly toasted.
Cool on baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

They're SO tasty. Mine turned out huge but that's okay. The edges are nice and crisp while the insides are soft and chewy. This is def. my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe. Yay!

Smiley Soup

2008-11-09T18:48:00.001-06:00

I was really grumpy today...until my soup smiled at me. I guess things will be okay after all.

And the ONLY reason I have a picture of my smiling soup is because my camera is always near me...and I can shoot left handed. Hehehe.

Pita Bread

2008-11-08T16:30:00.007-06:00

Pita Bread

Whoop for me I made something from scratch!!
If you remember from this blog, "I want to cook all my meals from scratch and forget McDonald's existed. I want to cook better." Today I decided that I needed to do it...and today was the day! I found the recipe here. I loooove this blog. I've also made their pumpkin bread and while it didn't turn out as pretty as theirs, it sure was tasty and moist!!! YUM!

Back to the pitas, though. It was SO simple!! Madelyn had so much fun helping me with it all!! My nudist child insisted on wearing nothing but an apron...and I suppose that's okay.

If you're interested, head over to their blog and snag the recipe. I plan to make this weekly for breakfasts (stuff them with eggs) and lunches (stuff with sandwich ingredients, salads, etc.) They are GREAT!

Here are some more pictures from the day. I love taking pictures of my food...the "Bread and honey" girls would understand...hehe

A Song for Mady

2008-11-07T21:51:00.004-06:00

There is a new commercial for the 'wedding' episode of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" as well as for their Monday night "family" lineup...and there is a very catchy tune in the background. Since the first time I listened to it...I knew I was in love.

After some quick searching, I hunted it down. Yup...this is my song with Madelyn.

I am such a dork!

Beautiful Life
by Fisher

Hey child up and go
-Big world is out there waiting for us to
live in every day

Outside you will find
there is love all around you
-Takes you, makes you wanna' say

That it's a beautiful life
and it's a beautiful world
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here, to be here

The sky's blue
-just us two
Side by side we'll see the world
that surrounds us
-Hey, seize the day

Each road - every mile's a photograph in motion
to astound us, carry us away

into a beautiful life
'Cause it's a beautiful world
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here

Leave all your cares behind you
The sun is rising
Turn around -it's right in front of you
and it's a beautiful life
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here, to be here

Beautiful Life - Fisher

True to YOU

2008-11-05T19:19:00.006-06:00

Elle wants everyone to know:

"Follow your bliss, fill your cup, ENJOY WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE.

DON'T ARGUE.

Just LOVE you.

It's so easy, just ask ME! YOU are so EASY TO LOVE!"

Follow your bliss. Fill your cup. Enjoy who you are. Enjoy what you are. JUST LOVE YOU. It doesn't sound hard, now does it??? Since deciding to change over my life, I've been working on all those those messages and it's totally working. It hasn't been very easy but it's definitely helping me be a better person-the person I want to be.

I haven't spoken with my mother in one week. I miss her terribly bad and think about her constantly. My heart kind of aches because I'm not speaking with her but it's the fact that I doubt she's thinking of me as much that hurts...not the distance. While I don't plan on never talking to her again, I do plan on not allowing her to pull me down anymore. We are traveling down different paths and I love myself enough to accept that. I'm meant to be a mother, wife, artist, and birthing-obsessed women; she is not. Maybe someday we'll be able to travel down the paths together in peace and love. Maybe not. Either way, I'm trusting the process.

Same goes for my father. I love him with all my heart and always will. I will forever be thankful for the help and love he has given me. However, I love myself more. I have learned that we are two very different people and try as I might, I will never convince him I'm doing okay. I'm not the wealthy Republican daughter with a career. I'm the non-wealthy, non-political hippie-mom daughter with art infested life. I am not allowing his words to hurt me anymore. I'm not allowing him to bring me down. When he tells me I'm fat, I know I'm not. When he says I'm dumb for an idea, I know I'm not. When he tells me I'm wasting my time, I know I'm not. I'm making my life what I want it to be.

I am ME.

And I'm winning this game and I'm my own sort of successful. Sorry Mom, sorry Dad, that I'm not the daughter you asked for.

No, wait, I'm NOT sorry. I'm not sorry for following my bliss, filling my cup, enjoying who I am, enjoying what I am and just loving me.

...This is your loss.

Blessing??

1. My daughter telling me how much she loves me.

Maddy: *With arms thrown around my neck from the recliner behind me* "I love you MOM!"

Me: *With arms reaching behind to hug this adorable little creature I made* "I love you MADDY!"

Maddy: *From under her breathe and resumed position in her chair* "I love you MORE"

She is just so damn precious.

2. For my chiropractor.

Thanks, Mr. Dorn for the wonderful relief of the throbbing pain in my neck. Lets work on my upper back tomorrow, k??

3. For needlefelting.

4. For my wonderful Mom-in-law who truely understands and accepts me.

She is so helpful, so understanding, so respectful, so accepting. She loves and accepts me for ME.

5. For the massage I'm going to get when Dan gets home.

And Madelyn, "I love YOU MORE"

Dying Wool

2008-11-05T15:38:00.000-06:00

With my newfound love of needlefelting, came a love for all things wool. I LOVE THIS STUFF!!! It still makes me itch but I'm still so in love! This love included dying. From the moment my "wool lady" told me I would have to dye it myself I was a mix of emotions: excitement over saying I did everything involved in the felting process (minus the raising and harvesting of the sheep/wool), apprehension over renting an apartment with white counters, sinks, walls, and flooring and curiousity over the concept of dying wool with Kool-aid. Emotions aside, I began my adventure. I went to the grocery store and grabbed 2 packets of each flavor...and threw it into my cart with nothing but all natural and organic foods. The checker thought I was crazy...I could see it in her eyes. "I'm dying wool, I wouldn't really use this for consumption!" I said with a giggle. She still thought I was crazy...

So, there I was in the middle of my kitchen....staring at a bajillion envelopes of artifical coloring...I mean Kool-aid.

Wool in one hand, and cookware in the other I winged it. I had read a handful of articles on how to accomplish this task but they were all so different so I winged it. And it worked!!!

Step #1:
Soak your wool in water. I used a "neutral" temperatured water for fear of felting. I left it sit in there for around 15 minutes.

Step #2:
I added 2 packets of Kool-aid into my glass "noodle-pot" and filled it up with water. One article mentioned it didn't matter the ratio of water to Kool-aid and that it mattered the ratio of Kool-aid to wool. This made sense to me and it worked out well. I put the concoction on the stove, added a blob or two of wool and stirred it around. I kept the water scalding hot, but not boiling for the entire process. It "sets" the dye from my understanding-and you do NOT need to use vinegar as the kool-aid has enough acid in it.

...And watched it. And watched it. And watched it. And watched it.
And the water around the wool went clear!!!

Step #3:
I drained the water and put the sopping wet wool into a metal bowl. After about 5 minutes I added water a little bit cooler than the wool itself (for fear of felting, again) and swooshed it around. The water continued to be clear when I squeezed the wool!! After a few rinsings I set my wool, spread out a bit, into the nearby dishpan.

Step #4:
I moved the wool to a towel on my kitchen table and continued to dry it. I pressed it down every now and then (taking GREAT care not to rub it at all...for fear of felting)

IT WORKED!!
I was so proud of myself!! I've been felting Madelyn little gnome or elf things with my dyed wool... and I'm so happy with the results!!

Here are some more pictures from my experience:

Black Cherry

I pulled out some of the "grape" wool early and some color did come out in the water...but the final color was just what I wanted.

I had Kool-aid envelopes all over the place.

I started to get better at dying more than one...hehe

Needlefelting

2008-11-02T23:10:00.003-06:00

Today I was able to get in touch with the wonderful lady who is going to supply me with my wool. I'm SO pleased to be able to begin crafting the raw material into beautiful little foods, animals and dolls. I'm so excited I can hardly wait!!!

There is something very, very soothing about needlefelting. I haven't figured out if it's because it's a sculptural (is that even a word???) art....an art that I completely crave but am worthless at?? Or is it because it is very natural and waldorf-y? Is it because I can make precious little moms nursing and wearing their children?? Is it the cuteness of it all? The softness? Is it the repetitive jabbing into something that is calming? What about the pretty colors? The intense concentration I am able to give it. Is it all of that in a too-adorable-for-words fur sculpture?? That must be it!

I would really like to finish a precious collection of foods, dolls and a few treasures for my beautiful daughter by Christmas. I think there is no better gift than one made with love, and what's better than a mother's love?? Speaking of love, and making things with love, I would really like to see an Etsy store open up in my future to sell the before-mentioned needlefelted creations. I want to share them with people and spread the...love.

"Sell your ideas - they are totally acceptable."
...Apparently and iGoogle "Fortune Cookie" agrees! (Sweet!)

♥
♥
♥

I'm continuing to think about the situations I'm in with my parents...namely my mother. We haven't spoken since I hung up on her that day....Thursday or Friday maybe? That's a long time for us.

I'm just at a loss. I'm so tired of living my life the way she would want me to. I'm so tired of trying to make her happy when she must not be happy with herself. I want to live my life for me! I want to do what I want to make me happy. I only live once.

I want to be the mother of many children.
I want to be a wife.
I want to be an artist and photographer.
I want to craft, create and teach.
I want to learn.
I want to speak my mind, and be heard.
I want to nurture, and love.

I want to do these things for me. For my happiness. This is my bliss...and I'm going to follow it because, remember,

I'M WINNING AT THIS GAME OF LIFE.

I researched a bit more about becoming a doula. It is solidifying my goals in my head and I am able to sort through what sorts of "services" I think I might enjoy offering. Massage and postpartum care are definites!

I think I'd like to have one more baby before I make the leap and begin my studies. I feel there are no better ways to learn something, than to do it yourself. Not to mention, I don't want to feel the guilt and tension between my relationship with Baby and being a doula. I know I will make a great doula, whether I start tomorrow or in a few years. I'm really looking forward to that as well!!!

Hmmm....I think that's just about it for the day. I have a big day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.

With Love,
Emily

PostSecret.....my secret

2008-11-02T14:49:00.005-06:00

Have you ever heard of PostSecret? I came across it when I first watched the All American Reject's song, "Dirty Little Secrets".
For your listening enjoyment:

I love this art project (and that song...I bet you would too!!!

Mr. Frank Warren has a few books:
My Secret
The Secret Lives of Men and Women
A Lifetime of Secrets
PostSecret: Extraordinary Secrets from Extraordinary Lives (Out Nov. 4th!!)

I highly recommend you take a look. I find that these books leave you with a handful emotions but most of all, you realize you are not alone. We all have our secrets, we all have our quirks. We are all different and that's okay!

Here are a few:

On the back of this card it reads: "Fuck it. I'm going to apply to Art School. You only live once."

Find PostSecret here and here and here.

Why a Homebirth???

2008-11-01T21:57:00.003-05:00

I came across the following information here. Thanks to the writers behind BirthSpirit for writing it!

Why Choose Homebirth?

Giving birth naturally can be an experience of transformation and empowerment for everyone involved, and yet the intensity of the process can be challenging for many women. The key to a birth that is both healthy and minimally painful is the ability to relax, as it allows the spontaneous rhythms of labor to progress without interference. The greatest obstacle is fear, for it generates tension and resistance and makes coping with contractions more difficult. In general, the more relaxed the mother, the easier the birth.

Mothers birth best where they feel the most comfortable. For many healthy, low-risk mothers, home provides a supportive and safe environment in which to give birth. Moreover, when a newborn baby is perceived to be a conscious, cognizant being, the manner in which he/she is born can have far reaching effects both psychologically and spiritually. In the privacy and sanctity of home, a mother can surround herself with those she loves and trusts. Assisted by capable, experienced practitioners, the family has more freedom to create the experience they desire and welcome their new child with love and dignity.

"Where would all the specialists and producers of medical technology and drugs be if it were suddenly 'discovered' that when women eat well in pregnancy, eliminate drugs and stop substance abuse, almost all complications disappear?" - Anne Frye

Advantages for Mother

Childbirth has the potential to be a profound, life-transforming experience for the woman, one which may facilitate emotional healing, strengthen and deepen her relationships to all aspects of herself--with far reaching effects to her children, her mate and family members.
She is not subjected to routine procedures such as continuous electronic fetal monitoring, IVs, and episiotomy.
She can eat, drink, walk, and rest freely, working with her own natural body rhythms.
She has continuous care with the same attendant throughout the prenatal, labor, delivery and postpartum periods, facilitating trust and competent decision-making based on process as an individual.
She is more likely to deliver without drugs, vacuum extractors or cesarean section when supported by caregivers who feel that birth is a normal physiological function.
The woman and baby have less risk of infection in her own home.
She is free to explore a variety of creative birthing options such as waterbirth, birthing stools, delivery positions like squatting or hands and knees, and may utilize comfort measures like candles, incense, inspiring music, and aromatherapy.
She is less likely to experience postpartum depression when she has not been separated from her baby. In addition, when childbirth takes place at home, it becomes an integral part of family life, with father and/or siblings able to participate in as complete and appropriate a manner as possible. This assists postpartum adjustment for all family members.

Advantages for Baby

The baby's experience at birth can be made as gentle and loving as possible, and routine procedures such as deep suctioning, bright lights and artificial warming can be avoided unless medically necessary.
The healthy baby remains with the mother, preserving the mother-infant bonding so crucial to the development of attachment parenting.
The baby is more likely to be born vaginally without breathing difficulties so often associated with anesthetics and cesarean birth.
Breastfeeding is easier to establish when the baby can nurse on demand, and the mother is given immediate encouragement and instruction in proper technique.
Baby is less likely to develop an infection at home.

SAFETY OF HOMEBIRTH

There have been a number of clinical studies on the safety of homebirth for normal, low-risk women receiving good prenatal care. Practically all of them show that homebirth is either as safe, or safer, than hospital birth - for low risk, healthy pregnant women with normal pregnancies. The main study describing homebirth as more dangerous is a study that was done by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in 1978 called "Health Department Data Shows Danger of Homebirths." This study included all out-of-hospital births, including unattended births in the home, births en route to the hospital, mothers who may have been high risk, had received no prenatal care, and babies who were pre-term. This factor, which skewed the results, was not widely acknowledged. In fact, this report also included miscarriages in its data showing the risks of homebirth. Clearly, this report is not representative of the kind of homebirth that midwives are offering. And interestingly enough, it seems to be the ONLY study that showed homebirth to be less safe than hospital birth, although many studies have tried.

To read more about the safely of homebirth with skilled midwives,
read The Five Standards for Safe Childbearing, by David Stewart, Ph.D. It cites study after study that detail the statistics that prove the safety of midwife-attended homebirth

Home Birth and Out-of-Hospital Birth: Is it Safe?
How Safe is that Hospital Anyway?
Information compiled by Jennifer L. Griebenow 4/97

In the past, most Americans were born at home with lay midwives attending. The mortality rate for both mothers and babies was higher in 1900, at 700 maternal deaths per 100,000 births, than it is now. Babies also died at a significantly higher rate at that time, which decreased to 28.9 births per thousand by 1960. Obstetricians tend to emphasize that many women used to die in childbirth, implying that we should be grateful for current obstetric practice. However, even in 1900, the percent of women who died giving birth was only 7/10ths of one percent! One has to wonder how this percentage compares with our country's current cesarean section rate of 22%.

Are the surgeries performed on these mothers actually saving them from imminent death? Maternal and infant mortality are lower now than they were 40 years ago. But the assumption that hospital birth is safer for mother and baby has never been supported. Prenatal care, better nutrition, antibiotics and blood transfusion have played more of a part in the relative safety of birth now. Sheila Kitzinger, British childbirth expert, states that planned home birth with an experienced lay midwife has a perinatal death rate of 3-4 babies per 1,000 births. Hospital births, by contrast, carry a perinatal mortality rate of 9-10/1,000. [Perinatal death rates include fetal deaths on and after 28 weeks gestation, whereas neonatal mortality rates only include deaths occurring in the first 28 days after.)A study in Australia found a perinatal mortality rate of 5.9/1,000 out of 3400 planned home births.

Joseph C. Pearce states in his landmark book Evolution's End that homebirthed babies have a six to one better chance of survival than a hospital-birthed child.
A study in the Netherlands done in 1986 on women who were having their first babies showed these results: out of 41,861 women who delivered in the hospital, the perinatal mortality rate was 20.2/1,000. Of 15,031 women who delivered at home with a trained midwife, the rate was 1.5/1,000 . I know, I thought it must be a typo too.
Marsden Wagner, formerly of the World Health Organization, states that every country in the European Region that has infant mortality rates better than the US uses midwives as the principal and only attendant for at least 70% of the births. He also states that the countries with the lowest perinatal mortality rates in the world have cesarean section rates below 10%. How does this compare with the US rate? Miserably.

Cesarean section and hospital birth is not doing for women and their newborns what doctors and hospitals claim it is! Ask for statistics and studies when your doctor claims hospital birth is safer than planned (not accidental, unattended) home birth. He will be unable to provide them. If your doctor says, "That's common knowledge," you would be wise to seek another health care provider. If you can find studies that claim hospital birth is safer, you will find that they included deaths occurring in unplanned, unattended births that occurred at home, rather than comparing normal, low-risk women. And more often than not, the study will have been funded by (guess who?) ACOG (The American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists). Other studies:

Lewis Mehl did a study comparing home and hospital birth with mothers from California and Wisconsin with matched populations of 2,092 mothers for each group. Midwives and family doctors attended the homebirths; OB-GYNs and family doctors attended hospital births. Within the hospital group, the fetal distress rate was 6 times higher. Maternal hemorrhage was 3 times higher. Limp, unresponsive newborns arrived 3 times more often. Neonatal infections were 4 times as common. There were 30 permanent birth injuries caused by doctors.
Dr. Mehl did another study comparing 1,046 home births with 1,046 hospital births. The groups were matched for age, risk factors, etc. There was no difference in infant mortality. None! However the hospital births caused more fetal distress, lacerations to the mother, neonatal infections and so on. There was a higher rate of forceps and C-section delivery and nine times as many episiotomies.
o Robert C. Goodlin reported in the Lancet on 1,000 births, half occurring in a hospital, half in a birth center. There were no IVs, monitors or anesthesia used in the birth center, but the babies were born in better condition. Besides that, three times as many cesareans were performed in the hospital.
In 1982, Anita Bennett and Ruth Lubic evaluated 2000 births that had happened in 11 freestanding birth centers. The neonatal death rate was 4.6/1,000. The authors were denied information on low-risk women delivering in hospitals. One wonders why....
A British research statistician, Marjorie Tew, did long term studies of the safety of birth in various settings during the 1980s. She found that among a sample of 16,200 births, the perinatal mortality rate was lower for out-of-hospital births, even for very high-risk mothers! At a relatively high-risk level, perinatal mortality was three times higher in hospital. Tew then expanded her research by using information from the Netherlands, a nation where both obstetricians and midwives practice. The perinatal mortality rate was ten times higher in the hospital births there, even though the risk status of the mothers at the time of delivery was not much higher than that of mothers who chose midwives.
In the Netherlands, which has a significantly lower infant mortality rate than ours, the C-section rate is 7%. The episiotomy rate is 6%, whereas ours is as high as 90%. Midwives attend most of the births in the Netherlands. (Midwives tend to allow time for the woman's tissues to stretch and to use perineal massage, warm compresses, and good head flexion to avoid both episiotomies and tearing; hence the lower Netherlands rate.)
In 1988, the US ranked 19th among industrialized nations for low infant mortality rates. By comparison, Sweden, where all mothers receive midwifery care, even when they are high risk and may also require physician care, ranked second.
Between 1978 and 1985, licensed midwives in Arizona had a perinatal mortality rate of 2.2/1,000 and a neonatal mortality rate of 1.1/1,000. o In Madera County Hospital in California, where there is a transient, high-risk population, midwives did the best job. In 1959, when doctors did the deliveries the neonatal mortality rate was 23.9/1,000. During 1960-1963, midwives had a rate of 10.3/1,000. When OBGYNs took over again in 1964, the rate skyrocketed to 32.1/1,000.

In A Good Birth, A Safe Birth, Diana Korte and Roberta Scaer quote Tew, the research statistician, who says, "The danger of home as a place of birth does not lie in its threat to the healthy survival of mothers and babies, but in its threat to the healthy survival of obstetricians and obstetric practice".

Another factor that is important in making the choice about where to give birth may surprise you. It makes common sense, but has also been documented by several studies. Women who give birth in a hospital are much more likely to experience postpartum depression or even post traumatic stress disorder. Kitzinger states that the more interventions a woman experiences, the more likely she is to be depressed, with C-sections obviously carrying the greatest risk of depression. She quotes 5 or 6 studies documenting the effects of this "institutional violence." Aidan McFarlane, a British physician, notes that while 68% of hospital mothers experience postpartum depression, only 16% of home birth mothers do. On The Farm, a self-contained, alternative lifestyle community in Tennessee, the rate of postpartum depression was .03 percent. Almost all mothers on the Farm had both a homebirth and a supportive, loving community of women to assist them postpartum. Avoiding depression, in itself, would be a major reason for mothers to consider giving birth in their own homes, if that is where they are most comfortable, especially if they had previously experienced postpartum depression and thus were at high risk for a repeat episode.

Aspects of hospital birth that may strongly contribute to the incidence of postpartum depression in our country are the way the moment of birth is handled and the routine separation of baby and mother. In a study that appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1972, Marshall Klaus, the "bonding" expert, found that holding the baby close released "dormant intelligences" in the mother and caused "precise shifts of brain functioning and permanent behavior changes". In other words, bonding is not just an emotional thing that only mothers think happens. It is a biochemical process that forever changes the mother, so that she knows more instinctively how to relate to her baby. In the hospital, baby cannot see mom with all the bright lights and is often inspected and observed for several hours before mother can hold it for any length of time. This is not to say love can't make up for this loss, but motherhood might come easier if we had those natural body changes to help us.

Then babies are still routinely kept in the nursery, if not most of the time, at least part of the time. The routine separation of mom and infant makes baby frightened and mom depressed. This may be why postpartum depression and difficult adjustments are so common in the US and rare elsewhere. Japan moved from midwifery to obstetrical handling of births approximately 25 years ago. When older Japanese recently asked Joseph Pearce why their mothers no longer "know what to do with their children," one has to wonder how much the new hospital setting has to do with it.

Most homebirth studies also show a significantly lower rate of C-section than hospitals have. Most stats show a rate between 1-5% for planned homebirths, with the above-quoted lower mortality rates as well. Cesarean sections themselves carry a far greater risk of additional illness or death than most people realize. They have become so routine in our society that everyone feels "It's no big deal." However, C-sections carry a 2 to 4 times greater risk of death than do vaginal deliveries (Boston Women's Health Book Collective). Several studies on the risk of death from the surgery alone (i.e. factoring out the conditions the surgery was done for) have shown varying, yet consistently depressing, results. Errard and Gold found with eleven years of statistics that the risk of death from cesarean section was 26 times greater than from vaginal birth. Cohen and Estner also cite a study done in Georgia showing a maternal death rate of 59.3 per 100,000 women who had cesarean section versus 9.7/100.000 for women who delivered vaginally. A California study showed a maternal death rate 2-3 times greater from C-section. Korte and Scaer state that obstetricians admit a maternal death rate four to six times higher with cesareans, and add that many believe the rate is higher, giving 1 in 1,000 as the true odds of death for a c-section mother.

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful.
It's that women are strong."
Laura Stavoe Harm

Poisonous Relationships

2008-10-31T21:21:00.005-05:00

My dear friend Elle posted a blog about toxic relationships. No matter what her blogs are about, they always find some way to make you think. This blog was the perfect example. I have been thinking about her blog and what she said in it, "She says she'll be there, but never is, and never was. She says she understands, then holds it all against you on her mountain of superiority..."

It's my mother. My mother is my most toxic relationship.

I just don't know what to do.

I love my mother, more than I think she loves me. I understand and respect her. I honor and value her opinions and thoughts. I want to make her proud. She just doesn't get it. It's been months since she told me she thought I did something well. Why is that? Why doesn't she see the good in me? The uniqueness and talent? I never have the answers, nor do I have the strength to go seek my answers.

My father is also a toxic relationship. Just like my mother, I love him to pieces. I do not question his love like I do my mothers but I do question just about everything else. He is so quick to judge me. Why?? I'm fat. My photography sucks. My parenting sucks. Madelyn "looks weird" today. I don't call enough. My house isn't clean enough. Going organic is "pointless" and recycling is a hassle. Things I am passionate about he squashes. Why??? It just never ends! I feel so lifeless and drained after I see him. I leave feeling hopeless and like a failure. I'm sorry Dad, for not being what you want me to be. I never wanted to hurt you and let you down.

Motherhood, pregnancy, and childbirth are my reason to get out of bed in the morning. I spend 23.5 hours of my day thinking about those three things. It fills my cups, gives me the air I breathe. Why do they want to deny me the right to another child??? Is it my age? Am I a bad mom and just think I'm a great one? Is it money they are worried about? I just don't get it. Speaking purely of my mother, she doesn't pay our bills, and doesn't help me out with my child, she's not there to vent to, she's not there to bounce ideas off of. What did I do wrong in my life to make her treat me like this? I don't feel loved. I don't feel cherished the same way I cherish Madelyn. My mom just wasn't there for me...and never will be. While my father has been there for me, partly because I wanted him to be, partly because it was the law. He isn't a help now. He tries, but my days will go on without the things he does.

Why can't anyone ever just shut their damn mouth and say congradulations! Why do my parents have to think purely of the negative? While I would like to understand that it is just because they are concerned for my health, safety and general well-being, I often go back to the idea they just don't want me to be happy. Seriously.

I just don't get it.

When do I give up??? When do I stop living for them and live for ME??? Why can't I let go of this pain and move on??? I'm thankful for having parents that gave me a life, but why do they have to hurt me??? Why do they do these things???

Elle says, "there is no room for these people in your life.

LOVE is the ANSWER; and it starts with YOU.

Allow NO ONE IN who will TEAR YOU DOWN.

Live your purpose, leave toxic people behind, and LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SAY NO MORE.

You deserve THE BEST.

(And don't hit her...I hear jail really is bad, and I'm pretty certain that we're too delicate for that...).

Let love in; LEAVE TOXIC PEOPLE OUT.

Love YOURSELF ENOUGH to Love THEM from far, far, far away...

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE LOVE. And NOTHING less."

I believe her.

Love is the answer and I deserve love.

I deserve love and nothing less. I love myself enough to love them.

...The thing I'm struggling with is how to let go. How do I let go of knowing I "let my parents down"? I want another baby SO bad. I lose sleep and cry daily about this. I deserve another child. I want my next baby. How do I let go of all their negative comments. Why don't they measure my success the same way I measure my own. I think I am successful.

I am winning at this game of life!

I am so blessed.

I have a roof over my head to raise my children.

It is not a house, but do I NEED a house? The universe will allow me a house then the universe feels it is time. I trust this process.

I have a boyfriend to support me through it.

We may fight, we have our ups and downs but I love him senseless. We've been through a lot and I love him. LOVE IS THE ANSWER, remember???

I have am able to pay for the things I need.

I'm not rich, but we have what we need. Isn't it about the people in your life and the memories you make...not the things you own?? Money isn't everything and there is always a way.

I have talent.

I am a photographer, a crafter, an artist. I am gifted and lucky for those things.

I have a head on my mind and I use it to think.

Is it jealousy? Are they envious that I have what they wanted? Do they realize that I am strong enough to get what I want while still trusting the process??

I am beginning to grasp at straws....I think it's all the Halloween candy.

Does anyone have an encouraging words? Any advice? Insight?

Amazing Birthing Videos

2008-10-27T22:59:00.003-05:00

I loove this waterbirth of twins. The mother is in a clear tub and it very easy to see the babies being born. No worries about not bringing the baby up...he or she will not take their first breathe of air until their faces touches air. They are just so relaxed!!

This baby is born with its sac still intact. This is extremely rare!! How cool, eh??

The Glory of Birthing

2008-10-27T21:55:00.005-05:00

So, while my future husband and wonderful daughter sleep in the other room, I'm doing (my) "crack". I'm watching birthing videos. I have NO idea why my heart, soul and mind feel it necessary (yes, it is seriously NECESSARY) for me to watch other amazing women birth their children. I can't and usually won't willingly watch a hospital or medicated birth...they are always either unassisted, in water, somewhere exotic, orgasmic, painless...or like one empowering one: ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!

Anyone close to me know just how passionate I am about childbirth and women's rights to happy birthing. I'm not going to lie, the birth of my daughter sucked. I blame many of my troubles on her birth. It was forced, medicated, rushed, stressed, and just WRONG. Had I been at home, I doubt I would have been so angry at Dan afterwards. Had I been at home, I doubt I would have waddled out of the hospital with 20+ stitches that STILL cause pain. Had I been at home, my daughter wouldn't have had heart decells because of the insanely high Pitocin. Had I been at home, I wouldn't have felt the need for an epidural. Had I been at home, I would have had more support from everyone. Had I been at home I would have been a breastfeeder. Had I been at home I would have bonded quicker with my child. All these things I feel were taken away from me by my hospital birth. My OB wasn't caring enough, the nurses had no compassion and Dan was so tense being in a hospital he slept through the entire thing. I wish I would have known that people CAN birth at home. I would have had my daughter in my home, and it would have been amazing. I know that. I wish someone who have pulled my arm and said, "Hey, girl, what the frick are you doing? Stop that pitocin, take out that epidural and MOVE AROUND!!" I remember laying in the bed, on my left side-the same position I had been in for probably close to 5 hours. I ran the nurses multiple times and no came. I yelled for Dan and he didn't stir. I threw everything I had within arms reach at him trying to get some support...nothing. I sat there in my self-pity and cried. I remember laying there thinking that I was somehow broken and that if I moved I would be whisked into surgery for my C-Section because Madelyn's heartrate would drop. I felt like I had done something wrong, I felt alone. I remember my mind telling me that my body wanted to be on my hands and knees birthing like they used to. I couldn't move. My body tried to tell me to just wiggle my hips, to sway back and forth. I'll never forget that moment.

I remember feeling so helpless when they told me I was complete. I was relieved it was over and was excited to meet my daughter but I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to be on the bed in the half-reclined, leg-in-stir ups position. I wanted to squat. I wanted to squat like I used to in my living room while I daydreamed of my perfect childbirth. But no, there I was being yelled to "INHALE! EXHALE! PUUUSH!!! 1-2-3-4..." and thinking to myself "I AMMMMMM pushing now get your fucking hands off my crotch and let me do this!!!!!" I remember bringing my focus to my pelvis and pushing...and the pressure moving all the way up my body and into my face. I wasn't at "10" yet but I let out my breath only to be given a look from the nurse that I had just failed the marathon. I exhaled, and that meant the race was over, I was the loser. It was that point I became pissed. I wanted the baby out NOW so everyone would stop yelling at me. I felt the tearing, I felt the pain but I pushed through it. I wanted the yelling to stop. I wanted everyone to stop touching me and to leave me alone. I wanted it to end. Looking back, I thought it was the actual birth I wanted to end but I know now it wasn't that it all. I wanted the doctors and nurses to end. I want to birth naturally but felt trapt. I hated it.

What hurt worse that the lonliness and mistreatment was the agony I felt after my daughter was born. She was thrown onto my belly like a rag doll. I put my hand against her back and couldn't believe she was mine. My first words were, "she's so tiny!" Nurses and pediatricians were rubbing my precious daughter with these scratchy towels. I just held her tighter to protect her against that. There was no need for that, she was breathing. And just as fast as they threw her on me, they ripped her from my arms. I laid there on the bed holding back tears for my poor "sick" baby. I felt miserable. I felt that I had failed as her...womb. I must have done something wrong! What did I do to make her early? All these things went through my head as I watched her being "beat-up" by the rough nurses and their scratchy towels. They shoved things in her mouth and gave her oxygen. My baby is fine, she just wants her mom! Why are you being so rough? Don't poke her with that! I couldn't believe that hospital protocol thinks that weighing a baby is more important than mother-child bonding. If she was stable enough to get weighed, poked, prodded, and jabbed, she was well enough for her mother to actually get to see what she freaking LOOKED like. They whisked her to the NICU while I sat in my room shaking and crying. I won't forget the moment when Dan sat in bed with me while I sobbed uncontrollably over the baby I hardly even got to touch. She was in my belly for 34 weeks...then just stolen from me. My epidural began to wear off and someone had the cruel joke to tell me I had to pee before I could go see my daughter. I tried to get up, not really having to go, hoping that I could go see her. My knees didn't work. I had to sit in bed and wait. I laid in the uncomfortable bed I was in for the last 19 or so hours watching nothing but the seconds tick past on the clock. My daughter needs me. My daughter needs me. My daughter needs me. It played in my head over, and over, and over as my heart broke and broke and broke. I ran the nurses again and said I wanted to try. My legs still didn't work. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, I just wanted to see my baby. Instead of compassion and understanding I was told that I MUST pee RIGHT NOW or they were going to put a catheter in. I don't remember hearing about womening DYING from holding in their pee??? They brought in a bed pan and I was treated like a freakin' jail inmate or dog at the vet. I peed in the pan, and was offered no toilet paper or my squirt bottle of water. Thank you bitch nurses for making me feel just so damn lucky to be under your TENDER LOVING CARE. I brought a wheelchair and was "allowed" to go see my daughter. There she was. Completely helpless in nothing but a diaper. I touched her hair, her toes, her belly. I touched the little bump that was where her rib cage meets in the middle. I wiped the bubbles from her mouth. I kissed her all over and just wanted to cry. I wanted to hold her so bad. I remember standing, in severe pain, with both arms under each side of my sick baby. I wanted to hold her so bad but heaven forbid she be warmed by her mother's flesh and not some artificial heat lamp. She's not a baby chicken for Pete's sake! For days I just felt so torn from my child. I was told my endless nurses that "she was too weak to nurse" and to "not even bother". Thanks guys, you really did a bang-up job of helping a new mom with breastfeeding. I pumped for about 2 months and gave up. I regret it to this day. My daughter will nuzzle against my chest and I wish it was because she was nursing. I'm so sorry, Madelyn, that I wasn't strong enough to try harder. I'll never forget that time that you DID nurse.

From my moment of realization, I have made a promise to my womb, my scarred birth canal, my future children and myself that I will NEVER birth a child in a hospital again. Do you hear me?!?!? I WILL NEVER ALLOW A BIRTH IN A HOSPITAL.I'm not thinking about the possibility of a premature baby. I will not allow it. I will not allow anyone to brainwash me into thinking I'm doing harm by not going to the hospital. I will not allow myself to think of the "risks" because I will NOT BIRTH IN A HOSPITAL. A happy and healthy birth is all I can get. That's it. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. I will have a HAPPY birth next time.
I will birth my babies on my hands and knees.
Or any other position I see fit.
I will sway my hips and move around.
No, you may NOT check my cervix for the third time in an hour.
No, you may NOT deny my human right to food and water.
Don't you dare think about breaking my water to "speed things along"!
No, you may not use forceps or a vacuum? Have you lost your marbles?!?!
No "DOCTOR" you may not catch my baby. I'll be taking care of that myself.
No you may not cut its cord...that's WRONG. Research the benefits of delayed cord cutting and you will be stunned.
No, you may not take my child away to weigh it and all that.
No, you may not scrub the vernix off my child with a sandpaper towel.
No may not touch THEIR placenta!
No I don't want Pitocin to get said placenta out.
No I won't allow you to put my baby in a blanket. They need skin to skin contact.
And yes, bitch-ass nurses I'm going to nurse my child until THEY wean.

I am capable and able to birth my children. I am capable and able to nurse my children. I am a women and that is what women do. I TRUST MY BODY.

How long are we, as women, going to allow the doctors to sit there and tell us that our bodies don't know how to birth our children? That our bodies can't get the "too big" kid out? That we NEED pain relief? That our bodies won't "go into labor"? We're being lied to. There's no "time limit" for labor. There's no reason to get your kid out in 2 pushes. There's no reason you can't eat. There's no reason you can't drink. This is just so freakin' wrong...

It's not okay to use Pitocin just because the doctor is anxious to get home.
It's not okay for them to insist on pain meds or for them to see that as the norm.
It's not okay for the C-Section rate to be as high as it is.

I wish I had known better.
I wish I would have not allowed them to do the things they did to me or my daughter. I hope more and more women realize, and feel empowered, that our bodies are MADE to give birth. You were born with everything you need in order to birth your babies. You can do it....without Pitocin, without being on your back, without hospitals, without doctors, without IV's, without epidurals, no vacuums, no this, no that.

"Birth Day" and "A Baby Story".....That is not how childbirth SHOULD be. Women are missing out. They are not dying. They are not sick. You are doing, by far, the most empowering and....amazing....thing in the world. It's a right of passage. You have just grown and nurtured a child for 9 months....you are now bringing that child into the world. Nothing in the world can compare. Women deserve to be able to lay in their own beds going, "Oh my god. I just...gave birth to a child." And to know deep down that they, on their own, did this. Women are amazing. Childbirth is amazing. No, each and every women is obviously not the first-or the last-women to birth a child......but that makes it no less of a miracle.

I'm done being lied to by the media and the medical society. I'm ready for a change and I will make one happen for myself, and my future.

My daughter is two and *almost* a half, and I still think about my birth with her. I think about what I would have done differnt, in what ways I was blessed and what I can do about it now. That, darling reader, is just a glimpse of why I cringe when I hear about a women birthing in a hospital and why I am so passionate about natural birth. I NEVER want another women to go through that again. While I cannot stop it all together, all alone, I can do my part to educate the women around me.

Pumpkin Day

2008-10-26T18:21:00.003-05:00

Word Vomit

2008-10-18T21:18:00.005-05:00

I feel like I'm in a rut.
I want to go somewhere, but I feel stuck.
I want to create something, but I have no ideas.
I want to run but my feet won't work.
I want to change my life, but I don't know how.

I just feel...lost.
Blah.

I will think up a question ask my radio it. I will think of it, say it aloud and hit one of the presets on my car's radio. Why I do this I will never know. But I promise you that it almost ALWAYS gives me an answer. And if the answer isn't clear-cut I will spend the better portion of my day thinking and stewing over what it was that the universe was trying to tell me.

This morning on my way to work I did just that. I turned off my radio, and thought really hard. "What do I need to do to get where I wanna go?" I thought that over and over, concentrating on my question and hit preset #4. Smashmouth wanted to let me know that,
"I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change"
I find I have to usually interpret the lyrics a bit and figure out what they mean but I don't think it could be any clearer than, "I need to get myself away from this place" and "we could all use a little change." Don't you agree?
Well, now that I have my answer to my question I'm still....stuck. HOW do I get away? WHERE do I go? WHAT DO I DO!

There are sooo many things that I want to do with my life. To spill it all out like word vomit:
I want to have more children, at home.....5 or 6 more. I want to breastfeed my children for years. And babywear 'til THEY decide they don't like it. I want to foster, adopt and be a surrogate. I want to make a difference in a child's life...one that I didn't birth. I want to either homeschool my children or send them to a wonderful Waldorf school. I want them to get the education I was never lucky enough to receive. I want to create an art piece that leaves someone in awe...like the ones that I see online and save to my computer so I can look at them all the time. I want to be a well-known photographer. One who is recognized for their work. I want people to buy my prints. And I want to be a wife to a well deserving man. One who treats me with respect. And takes out the garbage without being told (or after being told, does it!) I want him to want to be home with me, not always off with his friends. I want him to be my best friend, my companion and my strength. At times like this where I feel helpless, I want him to help me. I want to be a stay at home mother. I want to live completely naturally. All organic, all natural. I want to cook all my meals from scratch and forget McDonald's existed. I want to cook better. I want to grow my own fruits and vegetables on my own little chunk of land, organically of course. I want to make all my own cleaning products. I want to only use natural, healthy soaps, lotions, and makeup. I want to have a house...one that I own...with beautifully painted walls, and an art studio/relaxation space for me to escape in. I want beautifully painted rooms for all my children, and murals, too. I want to be able to do what I want to better my home. I want more than a house, I want a santuary. Somewhere that is all my own and I know I can relax in. I want to be a midwife, and a doula. And a lactation consultant. I want to help other women realize that they CAN birth naturally without a hospital and doctors. I want them to feel empowered after their birth. I want to be apart of something just that wonderful. I want to enlighten people who are against breastfeeding and natural birthing. I want to change someone's mind. I want to raise some chickens, and use their eggs. I want some sheep to use their wool for needlefelting. I want a duck to remember my childhood. I want companions to tell my problems to. I can only hope to be seen as the "hippie mom". I want them to come to me when they need costume's made for the school's play. I want to do all sorts of crafty things with my children. I want to learn to sew, knit, crochet, needle felt....I want a store on Etsy where people know they can find neat things. I want to be recognized for the skills I know I have hidden inside.

I want be something better than what I am. I want to feel truly loved. I want to be truly needed. I want to be some special to someone. I want to fill my heart with love and know how to truly forgive someone. I want confidence.

I want to know how to do these things.

While I am at a loss as to how to accomplish these things I know that I have more than others. There is going to be someone somewhere who is wishing for something that I have. I take comfort in knowing that. Not in a materialistic "ha-ha I have what you want" sort of way, but a "I'm blessed to be given what I have and that I shouldn't take it for granted" sort of way.

I am blessed~
~To have the one daughter I do have. One who is healthy, smart, beautiful...simply amazing.
~To have the skills in art that I do have.
~To have a roof over my head at all.
~To have a job.
~To have a mother, father, stepfather, mother in law and father in law who do love me.
~To have a head to think with and to realize what it is that I want.
~To be able to make baby steps.
~To have a car
~To have friends that are with my through thick and thin-Coley, Kristin, Alex (in no particular order!!!)
~To be healthy.
~To have a wonderful pair of cats as my current companions.
~To have enough money to buy the things I need and some of the things I want.

...And I am blessed to have that nice bed I'm about to crawl into. I'm so happy I realized I deserved and was worthy of those Egyptian cotton sheets....ahhh pure luxury.

Goodnight, thank you for listening.

Love, Emily

"There is joy in work. There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something" Henry Ford

Sunday Night Blessings

2008-10-12T21:48:00.004-05:00

Blessings:
1- "Nanny McPhee"
This movie is SOOO freakin' adorable!! I love movies like this!! It's just silly fun! And Evangeline....she is just so peeerdy!

2- Good friends
This goes without saying. I may not have many friends, but there are a few who are with me through thick and thin.

3-Tractors
...in town.

...and the adorable old man driving it. He thought I was annoyed for having to drive slowly behind him. I waved and gave him a big smile to let him know I didn't mind a bit.

4- Kittens
My 2 adorable little kittens who nurse on my kitchen table and play in my laundry baskets. They claw at my toes and purr in my ear. I enjoy having them around and will miss them when they are gone.

5- Being a kid
..with Mac and Cheese for dinner. But being 'adult' enough to add some peas for extra vitamins. Hehehe.

Dreaming

2008-10-12T06:20:00.006-05:00

Good morning everyone! I, unfortunately have to spend a wonderful sunny Sunday afternoon...at work. Yuck! Anyways, I decided I would spend these last few minutes before work writing down my wonderful dream.

I have no idea as to when it started, who the father was, or why I was where I was but I was hugely pregnant. Very, very pregnant. Suddenly I was in labor and giving birth. There really wasn't any time to react or think. It was a very wonderful moment. I gave birth (unassisted) to one beaaaautiful baby. No tears, no pain, no troubles. Then, after cleaning up that baby with a towel that magically appeared and beginning to nurse him/her, I felt pushing urges again and there was a second baby. Whoa. I clean him/her up and began to tandem nurse (what skill so soon after birth!?!?) The urge was back. At this moment, I set both babies down, and delivered their 3rd bro/sis. I somehow got into my head there were 4....Well, #3 was born, I went through the same routine. It was all very quick, it was all very painless. I don't even know how it works with multiples, but in my birth, they each had their own placenta, and all three came out after the last baby was born. Each baby was a Lotus baby (you don't cut/clamp the cords you just wrap the placenta in a diaper or cloth with some salt and herbs and you leave it to dry and the cord falls off on its own) and it was not once an inconvenience to do it that way. Then, after all that, I cleaned up my birthing mess-there wasn't much-and sat down and nursed; nursing came extrememly naturally and was very pleasant. Each baby was so beautiful. They all looked almost exact to my daughter when she was a newborn. It seemed so natural that there were 3 of them. Three incredibly beautiful babies with huge blue eyes! My mom and Dave(stepdad) were downstairs. At this point it became clear that I was at my dad's house. I lived there for 17 years before I moved out on my own, leaving him behind. Why my mom and Dave were there is beyond me. Anyways, there was no surprise with there being 3 babies, I was surprised, but everyone else seemed to know. My mom didn't say much, Dave didn't say a word.
Then I somehow got this wild hair up my butt and decided that I must show Kristin and everyone else at work. Why?? What the hell?!?! So, what did I do but put three little babies +placenta into my moby wrap and walk Kwik Trip. My goodness...I didn't get there because my alarm went off, but I was on the phone with Kristin and she was very, very excited.
All in all, it was a wooonderful dream. I absolutely looove dreams of pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood. Sometimes I have dreamed of my birth being chaotic and painful, other times my births are so easy the baby falls out while I'm standing. This one was pleasantly in the middle. There was discomfort and pressure, but not pain. It seemed like I could feel their heads being born without the "ring of fire" pain. There were no rips, tears or injuries of any kind. I felt fine afterwards. After my daughter, I wanted to know what "it" looked like "downthere" but there wasn't a mirror available-neither was a scale coincidentally! I never did get to see the "damage" until much later. This time, I looked to see if there were any tears. Why, I'm not sure. But, there was nothing. Everything looked fine and dandy. I was very surprised. It was all so strange.
It was a really nice dream to wake up to...the unassisted childbirth of three amazingly beautiful babies. I love that some people dream of safaris in Africa, being chased, or doing other strange things....I dream of childbirth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, midwifery, and attachment parenting as a whole. My passion??? I'd say so.

Three babies as beautiful as this little one:

From New Album 6/14/07 1:37 PM

From Untitled Album

I'm angry at the world.

2008-10-11T15:50:00.003-05:00

I haven't written down my blessings for the last few days...sorry to anyone who wanted to read them. I've been feeling really bitter the last day or two. I've been trying soooo hard to keep my head up and to work on these problems with Dan. The damn streets goes both ways, you know. He needs to work at this to! How is he working on this all??? Let me count the ways: staying out late, not calling, getting in trouble without saying I'm sorry, or thank you when I help him out of it, not paying me back, and spending more time with his little man friends than us. Thanks, dude, you're really making it easy to be nice to you.

The sun doesn't shine out of my freakin' ass. I'm not always happy. I'm not always nice. I just feel like being a bitch. I don't have the patience to deal with other people's bullshit. I don't feel well. My neck hurts, my back aches. I have a headache that throbs and my feet hurt. I want to lay down in bed and not get up. But I simply can't. If I do that, I'll wake up to find that my toddler ran away or that she trashed my house.

I need a massage and a vacation. Think if I put it on my Christmas list it'll happen???????

♥

2008-10-09T17:35:00.008-05:00

Someone told me that love is everywhere and that love is always the answer...
In my bitter self, I thought they had lost their marbles! How is love the answer? What lessons is love going to teach? Where is this love? I don't see it....

After careful thought and lots of meditations, I decided I was sick of acting like that and hurting everyone around me. I was sick of being unhappy and bitter. I opened my heart and mind. I forgave those who have hurt me. I made it a point to be nice. I made it a point to brush off my stresses. It worked.

I sleep better at night.
I'm happier.
I'm not always crabby, in fact I'm rarely crabby!
I get along with people better (especially Dan).
Madelyn has been acting 100x different, happier!
Dan and I have been super affectionate.
My friends want to talk.
Customers at work are nicer to me.
I have hope in the world.
My days go faster.
I have less stress.
And I see the love....everywhere!

Kristin and I went for a hike last night after she got home from work. Even though searching for the "love" wasn't my main focus (keeping Madelyn from falling into a spring and being sucked down to China was!!) I couldn't help but see it everywhere!!!

In the leaves...

In the way the water meets against the rocks...

The rocks themselves...

And leaves with big happy smiles!!! No, I didn't draw that on in Photoshop...that's the way it really was!!! I have it being pressed in some books riiiight now!!!
:-)

Have a wonderful day...find the love. It IS the answer!

Emily

Cupcakes and Cleaning

2008-10-07T22:13:00.006-05:00

...that about sums up my day today!
I had an excruciaaaaaaaaatingly long day at work. Man, I felt like time was going backwards. That'll happen when it's painfully slow and you're...painfully sick. I managed, and went on with my day. I cleaned all the dishes Dan and I were in a standoff over....I was determined to cook dinner and if I wanted that, then the dishes had to be done ASAP! So I just shut my mouth and washed them. Then I made some *amazing* tuna pasta salad, cooked a yummy dinner and best of all: made my family some cupcakes. Mmmmm.....

Blessings? Why certainly!

1. Reliving your childhood...

...with a Triple Chocolate Cake (with added in chocolate chips) with Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip icing....and non-pariels. Don't forget the chocolate soy milk to wash it down! Oh...and they have to be in foil liners. Yes, they do make a difference, and no, I don't know why or how exactly.

2. Talking with old high school friends...

...I love seeing what everyone has been up to!! I talked with a girl I was friends with but drifted away from really quickly after we left Oconomowoc. It was nice to catch up! She's married now!

3. Happy men...

...who tell you, "I looove my baby's tuna salad!" Hehehe, thank you Sweetheart, you made me want to cook for you all the time!!

4. A clean kitchen...

...with even cleaner dishes. Sweet satisfaction. Instead of food crusted dishes, my counter is filled with icing covered chocolate cupcakes. Yum.

5. Madelyn went to sleep without a fuss.

She's even in her own bed (by her choice), not in our bed with Dan! Wow, a perfectly stressless end to a very pleasant evening.

My Cupcakes

You know you want some! Go ahead, make some!

What you need:
**1 box Betty Crocker "Triple Chocolate Fudge" cake mix, made according to the directions (on sale at Pick N Save for a buck!!)
**1 can Betty Crocker "Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip" frosting (on sale as well!)
**Handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips (Aldi's worked well for me!)
**Non-Pariels(...since Jimmy's are yucky!)
What to do:
**...Fill your 24 FOIL cups 2/3 the way full (mind you, foil cups don't need a muffin tin, just put them on a baking sheet-how easy is THAT?!?!?!) and sprinkle in some chocolate chips. I put around 8 in each cup. Push the chips into the batter with a knife. Bake around 19 minutes at 350*, until toothpick comes out with moist crumbs.
**Remove from over, let stand 5 minutes, remove onto cooling racks.
**Resist for an hour or so-I recommend taking a nice long shower to resist the temptation. **Schmear on some of that super chocolately icing...the more the better, in my opinion. But leave a bit of room to grab the paper.
**Sprinkle with sprinkles
***....indulge in one, or seven. Yum.

As for dinner...we had "Butter-Onion Chicken", chicken-y noodle stuff, and some steamed broccoli. I looove butter chicken!

(Quick instructions for )Butter Chicken-(for 4 med. B/S chicken breasts) Crush up 3/4 sleeve Ritz (HAS to be Ritz or Ritz off-brand) plus 1/2 cup, or so, French's french fried onions in a bag, plus your choice of seasonings(I use salt, pepper, "poulty seasoning", rosemary, "chicken seasoning", onion powder and garlic powder)....dip in egg, bread chicken and put in 9x13in. pan. Place chunks of butter (I know, I know, I can feel my arteries clogging and my cholesterol skyrocketing!) around the chicken pieces. Bake at 400* for 40 minutes. You the drill from there... It is always sooo tasty!

The noodles are just egg noodles cooked in a can of cream of chicken, some chicken stock and some water. I enjoy it, and it's simple. No, I don't have a recipe. I wing it every time. I do add pepper and rosemary to it, though. I hope you get a chance to try something from these recipes. I'll post more as I cook them. Enjoy!!!

And a quote:

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

- Allan K. Chalmers

She is my happiness: gives me things to do, gives me something to love, and she is my hope for the future. I looove you Madelyn!

Goodnight, guys!

Love, Emily
♥

Blessed Tuesdays

2008-10-06T21:01:00.006-05:00

"To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance."

- Buddha

1. A healthy daughter.
Madelyn had her (3 month overdue) 2 year well-baby today. I'm pleased to report that she is in the 97th percentile for both height and weight-the highest percentile she has ever been in!! Yay for Madelyn!

2. Awesome head massages.
I went with Kristin to get a haircut. The lady who did my hair gave me a wonderful head massage during my shampoo...ahhh....and my haircut looks super cute, too!

3. Hot soup when you have a cold.
Hot "Progress Pot Roast" soup when you have a cold...mmmm

4. Having the day off of work.
I spent the morning doing just about....nothing. We went to Madelyn's doctor appointment, wandered through the local craft store, enjoyed a tasty lunch at a sub and ice cream shop-enjoying both a sub AND ice cream, and then followed that up with a lovely nap on the couch. The day ended with some grocery shopping, a hair cut and now this: my time of silence. All around it was pleasant...I love my days off!

5. Silly emails from people, like my mother.
This is what I was sent, in hopes of brightening my Monday morning. I did get a nice giggle out of it! Thanks, Mom!

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

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:-)

Love, Emily
♥

Ten Blessings

2008-10-05T22:46:00.006-05:00

After today, I think I need to remind myself just how blessed I am. Today deserves ten blessings....not just five.

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.: Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)

1. I am blessed to know I made a difference in someone's life.
Thank you, Kristin, for your kind words: "Em.. I don't mean to stick you all the time.. lately I just feel like you and I connect on a different level.. not just co-worker, or photographer friend.. or neighbor.. but more like someone who understands and can show and feel true compassion towards the other... or maybe I'm just crazy." You do mean to stick it to me all the time because you know I will always be here, because I will. We do connect on a differenet level. And yes, you ARE crazy...but I love you more for it. You freak. "Blessings for the day: Emily.. my rock right now.. she is always there to lend a hand...open an ear...and share a pizza order... hehehe... ** hugs to you!!" I will always do my best to lend you a hand, my ear is always open and of course I'm there to share pizza...are you kidding me?? Yum. I ♥ you Kristin!!! :)

2.
Enough said.

3. Having enough confidence in the universe that tomorrow will be better

4. Being able to go into Walmart with my daughter, and buying her jelly beans and a
carton of gak...just because.

This was from the most amazing time in my life... I will never, ever forget the time I spent with Madelyn right after she was born. I was in shock. I would give any to go back to those first few days where it was just me and the newborn Madelyn. Simply amazing...

I love being a mother.

5. Buying a second can of gak for said daughter's father...and knowing he will enjoy it.
And we did...the three of us laid on the bed for an hour playing with this gunk. I love our bonding time...the time where it is Mother-Father-Child, no TV, no radio, no phone. No sound but our own conversation and our own laughter.

I love my family.

6. Having my own thoughts and my own mind to make up those thoughts. More importantly...I'm blessed to have the courage to share those, no matter who tries to knock me down. They are my thoughts. My ideas. My mind. My body. My life. My friends. And if you feel that they are not important enough or valid enough to think about, you're loss. I'm not sorry I shared them with you.

7. Mondays off of work!

8. My friends.
I know I can count on them. I don't have many, but I have enough to know that when I need somebody, someone will be there. And if no one is around? It's simply because it was time for me to be alone. I am confident in the process and I am confident in the solitude.

9. Love.
I felt loved today, from all directions. Dan the minute I woke up, Madelyn before I left, my coworkers, my customers, Kristin, my father, my mother, my stepfather, the people at Walmart....all around me was love. I've been told that "Love is the answer". I questioned it...but the more I look for the love, the more and more I see it. I see it all around me. I have hope in society and I have hope in myself.

10. Silence.
I'm surrounded in it at this very moment. I love this time. I know my love and my daughter are asleep just a short walk away. I can hear them take deep breaths. They are safe, and I am at peace. There is silence all around me and it is me...and this blog. I can hear myself think. I can sort those thoughts. I have been exceptionally happier since I have given myself this time. I need it, and I'm glad that I can appreciate it, and indulge in it without guilt. Silence is golden.

Love, Emily

P.S....I feel so happy about my life after writing this. So blessed, so lucky. You really should try this....it works.

(Write down 5, not 4, 3, 2, or 1...5 blessings everyday, no matter how crappy your life is. You have 5 automatically. You can see what you are writing, you have hands to type how you feel, you have ears to hear yourself type, you are blessed enough to have a computer or paper to write on, you are blessed to be able to appreciate your blessings for what they are worth.)
♥
Goodnight everyone, thank you for reading!

Crapday. Dammit.

2008-10-05T21:54:00.005-05:00

Well, today was a melancholy crap-day. It rained, it was cold, it was slow at work, and people around me are hurting...

A best friend is going through crap, some other friends are going through crap...and people are giving me crap. Crap stinks. My day directly wasn't the worst, but I hate seeing others hurt, knowing I can't really help them.
I can't become male, I can't fix their problems, I can't make them realize that the gifts they are receiving should NEVER be just done away with...I can't heal all their pain, I can't make them feel magically better, I can't make others understand, but I surely can wish all of the above (except becoming male, you have got to be kidding me, I would never in a million years become male. Nope, never, ever!)
I never understand why some people do the things they do, however I still hope that whatever they choose, they find peace. Someone I know is going to do something that I consider to be unthinkable. How I can forget about it is beyond me, how they can just forget about it is even farther beyond me. I wish people would cherish what they have... Sometimes life deals you some shitty cards (maybe you should have protected your bases a bit better) but you need to make the best of it. There is always a solution, and the easy one isn't usually the best. Seriously.

♥♥♥

The other day a beautiful women came into Kwik Trip, she was incredibly patient allowing customers to skip her in line. She smiled at me numerous times...she was so pretty! The store cleared out and she approached the front counter handing us a piece of paper. I glanced over at the new kid who was helping her to see a car with a "have you seen me" on it. I thought that someone stole her car or something similar had happened. She very quietly asked me if we had somewhere she could hang it up. I smiled and said, "of course" and pointed to the bulletin board in the back of the store. She smiled, again, and said thank you...and was very sincere about that gratitude. She quickly left, leaving a stack of 4 flyers...for her missing family member. Haroon Kahn. Last seen wearing a polo shirt and slippers. $25,000 reward for finding him. Driving a fancy Mitsubishi....I still can picture his face, I still remember the car....
...the poor man was found murdered.
I feel so bad, so, so, bad for the beautiful women who was in the store. Her heartache must be profound. I wish her peace, and a smile. I hope someone who crosses her path smiles at her and does something to bring her some hope in the world. I really, really hope that the women who I exchanged a handful of smiles with is doing okay. Ugh.

♥♥♥

Well...I don't know. It's just one of those sorts of days. Blah...
I stood up to my mother at dinner over something I am passionate about. Dinnertime is NOT the place to discuss things like abortion, gay rights, lotus birthing, who should be president, or home birthing. I have learned that, as well as she, all by personal experience.
I think I have had just about enough of this blog.

Laa dee dah...

2008-10-04T20:30:00.008-05:00

Today was another great day, just as I had hoped. Dan and I happily woke up together, I had a wonderful shift at work and the rest of the day was filled with fun! Dan had some issues while I was at work and I didn't feel my usual frustrations and anger about them...this whole new perspective is *gasp!* working!
Revisit this concept here.

♥I love it!♥

I left work 30 minutes early (tisk, tisk) to go to a craft fair with the wonderful Kristin. It was closing while we were just arriving but we still made the best. I was able to talk to a lady who spins her own yard to knit with. The yarn comes from her own sheep and that is pretty cool if you ask me!! I bought an AdOrAbLe hat from her, and walked away with some advice: "All men are jackass's" and she told us to ignore their crap and move on. Sound advice, I'd say. She was around 70-80 years old and was just...a joy...to talk to!! It looks like a strawberry and Madelyn realllly enjoys it! Not to mention, I have fallen in love with little things that are needle-felted. Have you ever seen anything that has been needlefelted??

Thanks to whoever made these adorable little creatures and had them on Google and Etsy! Wish I could link you back to them, but I don't know how to do that!

How adorable are those?!?! I fell in love with this sort of crafting the minute I saw it. I've been dying to try it and see if it is something that clicks with me! I talked to her about it and where I should get it. She gave me a wool-festival info sheet that is coming up! I hope I can go! How fun!

After a stop at another rummage and a local thrift store I went home to relax. Imagine that! I'm looking forward to cutting back my hours, for sure! Kristin and her genious brain decided that it was indeed time for some Pizza Hut. (Kristin lives across the hall...and I like her more than that wool lady!) Yum...their chicken alfredo is definetly something to indulge in...and indulge is just what I did!!

Dan is off with two friends visiting his brother. It took a lot of effort to let him go...I'm always SO anxious about what sort of trouble he will land in. But, I talked to him about it and after quite a few reassurances I let him go. He called at the time I asked him too...and I love him so much for it! I wish he would have been her to go to sleep with me, but I know he'll be home soon enough. Tomorrow he has off so we can spend some time together then.

I'm sooo sleepy today....how about some blessings:

1. My new perspective. It has just...it's made me a better person already. I'm so much happier and things don't bother me.

2. Craft festivals. I just love being surrounded by all that creativity. Just love it.

3. Great women...
...ladies who love wool, are willing to help me learn something, will give me info on her craft, and are not hesitant to tell you how it is with the male specie. She was pretty cool, I must admit. And Madelyn's strawberry hat, oh my, it's cuteness will bring me a lot of smiles and happiness. I'm a sucker for a cute hat on a small child. Why? I will never know. Here's a picture of Madelyn last year with a pumpkin hat on:

4. Great friends like Kristin.
We just...get each other...all of our quirks, obsessions, and passions. We understand each other on a level that is so...wonderful.

5. Pizza Hut.
...And not feeling guilty for not cooking a meal. Yum, that alfredo was just soooo yummy.

6. Foggy weather
I absolutely love foggy weather. I'm talking that thiiiick fog, so thick you can't see your own feet, type of fog. There is just a special smell in the air, a certain feel, your breath feels different and best of all, you feel alone. I feel like when there is fog outside I am alone. I am alone in my journey and it doesn't matter which way I go or how I go about it, all that matters is I reach my destination. I can trip, fall, sing, dance, skip, or run..no one will care because they are just trying to get through the fog to their destination. I love fog. I really, really do.

7. Dan...
...and the fact that even though I'm as hairy as Chewbacca, he will still sleep next to me, legs entwined in a passionate cuddle session. He hasn't said a word about my lack of leg-shaving and I love him for that very, very much.

Love, Emily
♥
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
– Dr. Seuss

(I shaved my legs tonight, by the way)

Happy Friday

2008-10-03T21:12:00.001-05:00

Today was a great day.

It started out well, stayed well, and is going to end well. I am confident of that. I plan the same for tomorrow.

Today was an extra clumsy sort of day, but I appreciated and embraced it. I tripped on the mat at work, dropped things left and right, and threw a pack of cigarettes at Mr. Marlboro's head, sorry dude. I made a few customers laugh (like the poor women who witnessed one trip and the cig-flinging!) and had a nice conversation with a regular. Days like this are why I truly enjoy my job....at a gas station. (Or no, convenience store...sorrrrry.) I love my coworkers and customers. I enjoy having an angry customer come in and send them out the door happy, satisfied and with a smile on their face. It fills my cup, if you will.

I decided to take a look at my iGoogle and check out my daily fortune cookie.

"Your love life will be happy and harmonious."

I thoroughly enjoy how my iGoogle always has something positive to say, at just the right time. My love life was happy and harmonious today...and I plan to truely try and keep it that way. I think Dan and I struggle at times because of the lack of...a love life...I'm talking the true, deep, fill your cup with warm fuzzy love, love. I'm done with his deprivation, I'm done with the lack of snuggle time. I vote for daily kisses, hugs, massages, cuddling and lots of true love. It's more than just sex! Everyone needs more love making in their lives, through kisses, massages, cuddling, snuggling, hugging....simple touch. "Touch is one of the most essential elements of human development, a profound method of communication, a critical component of the health and growth... and a powerful healing force" Well, there you go. Time to heal.

How about some blessings:

1. Good sex
Enough said.

2. Employment
My great coworkers, my funny customers, the new people to chat with, the chance to make people happy...the whole darn thing!

3. My mother
She called me tonight and invited me over for a Sunday dinner. Chicken, mashed potatoes (real, homemade, amazingly delicious, creamy, smooth, whipped potato-y deliciousness....mmm), squash, and green beans. Thank you, Mom, for thinking of me and wanting to share your delicious cooking with me. My child and I will be over around 4.
(My mouth is watering already......)

4. Culver's
(It's a burger joint that is located in a few states here in America. While you can feel your arteries clog by just looking at it, I do still enjoy it on occasion.)
Today, my beautiful daughter and I decided to have a lazy-lunch day and stop there before I went to work. After finishing my burger that was topped with plenty of extras (bacon, lettuce, pickles, ketchup, and mayo), I had to take a few bites out of Madelyn's. Why my baby bird of a child always feels it's necessary for me to "test it out" I will never understand! It was simply delicious. How is it that her burger-with nothing but meat and cheese-was superior to my loaded, complicated burger?? Really, it was just soo tasty. It reminded me of a very easy concept: simplicity is best. It really, really is.

5. My radio
It has this special ability to answer my questions and make me feel better. It's a crazy thing, really, but I just looove it. Today on my way home from work, I turned it on while pondering my life, where I'm going, who I am, and what I'm becoming. "I swear it's true, Because a girl like you's impossible to find..." Ahh yes, thank you Mr. Radio for reminding me that I am me. I am my own special person with my own special talents. Thanks hun, for the reminder. Sometimes I forget.

Have a great weekend guys!

Love, Emily.

And so it Begins

2008-10-03T01:56:00.000-05:00

Today I made the decision to start a blog. I need to write. I need to share. I need my own spot. Everyday, I am going to record my blessings. Everyday, I am going to recognize something beautiful. Just like the women who sparked this in me said, "But of course, it's all up to you.
It's Your NOW!" And she was right. This is MY now. This is MY life. And this is MY day. I am ME.

My blessings~
1. My child.
That kid is simply awesome, period. I've never felt so loved in my life since I birthed that amazing little creature. Tonight my beautiful 2 year old daughter brushed her mother's hair with such tender love, I'm thankful she is filled with as much love as she is. I am succeeding in motherhood.

2. My internet connection.
Sounds silly, but without it I wouldn't have the options I feel like it gives me. I wouldn't have come across the amazing people I have, read the empowering things I have, seen the beautiful and inspiring things I have and I think I'd struggle to find my "self" more without it. It fuels my creativity!

3. Photography.
My photographer's eye is more than just a talent. It is something I treasure. I'm so thankful the universe gave this gift to me. Like many other passionate photographers will tell you, something is just "different" with us. I witness myself seeing the beauty in something others don't recognize as anything out of the ordinary. I see things others don't. I love that.

4. PostSecret.
Nothing like being reminded you are not alone, you're not a freak, you are worthy of love, and you are special....with some art thrown in for good measure. Yup, I'm very thankful for PostSecret. Thank you Frank Warren.

5. Elle Febbo.
The one who gave me the courage and enough inspiration to start this journey. Thank you.